Local News

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACTOne of Betoota’s most vascular blokes is conducting some social media hygiene this evening, after a post-workout photoshoot went wrong. After a 90-minute session pumping iron at the Anytime Fitness in Betoota Ponds, local gym rat Jackson Martyn is believed to have taken a few thirsty snaps of his muscular frame, in an effort to acquire some...

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACTA coastal Dad is winding back the clock this afternoon and introducing his 12-year-old son to the sounds of Australian metalcore. Growing up on the mid-north coast of NSW during the early 2000’s, local dad Brett Gordon is one of the lucky Australians to have lived and breathed the first big wave of coastal hardcore. Coming of age...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTLocal children have learnt skills for life today as the family matriarch gave them a lesson in conflict resolution. After cleaning the kitchen without help for the 3000th night in a row, mother Patricia Webb (48) finally expressed to her family that she was cross with them by ignoring them entirely. It is now three days into Webb’s cold war...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTSeptember is an important time for the wedding and Australian football industry alike although the two are yet to share a common interest. Like all Millennials paying the wedding tax, Landon and Em had to reschedule their special day to spring 2022 after a registry office back-up plan was denied by the Bank of Mum & Dad. However, with their...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactLetting out a frustrated sigh, local bloke Mitch Fields curses whatever cunt decided to make the Apple TV remote so fucking small. Not only can he not find it, but he estimates this is probably the third time this week that he’s lost the bloody thing, and it doesn’t appear to be in its usual hiding place either (wedged...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT In an era where inflation has somehow become a competitive sport, some Australians are well prepared for the Cost of Living Crisis aka The New Normal. One prepared Australian is local nana Miriam Murphy (84) who has saved up a literal fortune after decades of only buying Black and Gold supermarket items. With the exception of Imperial Leather soap, Murphy...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA local woman has this week decided she’s fucking sick of being surprised by her wandering dressing gown ties, and has instead beaten them to the punch by dunking them directly into the toilet. Laurie Seymour says she’d fallen into a disgusting routine of forgetting about the ties when she visited the loo, only to realise the ends of...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactLocal bloke Jason Croydon is a man of good morals. Not only has he been drowning his sorrows all week after hearing of the Queen’s passing, but he also thought he’d commemorate her spirit by surrounding himself with some of things she loves the most - horses and dogs. Which is why, on this fine day, Jason has made his...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactEmployees at One Pump Digital have this week been forced to scrounge around for a spare office chair and keyboard, after ‘forgetting’ to buy some equipment for their new employee, who is alleged to be starting her first ever adult job since graduating from university. Despite knowing for a solid three weeks that Sophie Gilman would be starting,...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTContinuing his trend of behaviour that can only be explained by drugs, local stoner Oscar Knott (32) hammered an Up & Go at midday yesterday, despite the fact that he did not get up and had nowhere to go. Devised in the ‘90s by Sydney coke addicts who had found work at an ad agency, Up & Go’s are...