Local News

Bar Staff Rush To Help Man Whose Hands Are Obviously Too Tiny To Carry Four Schooners At Once

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact When Bob Hawke explained to parliament in 1988 that the most emasculating thing a bloke could do is ask for a drinks tray, he meant it. Since then, carrying four schooners of full-carb beer from the bar back to the boys has been a life skill passed down from father to son, mate to mate....

Bloke Who Started Selling Sourdough In Country Town Thinks He’s Jamie Fucking Oliver

ESSIE BURKE | Human Interest | CONTACT Basic foods with a pretentious twist are being offered at extortionate prices on Betoota's main street as a fast talking blow-in from South Brisbane opens the town's first hipster cafe. Justin Hampel, a 37-year-old wastrel with a trust fund and a bullish belief in his entrepreneurial skills, said he had "curated a menu which pays homage to traditional Betoota fare". Experts...

Local Dad Talks About His Childhood In The Bush Like It Was In War-Torn Syria

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Despite the fact that he grew up in very similar socio-economic circumstances to the ones he provided his own children with, local dad Peter Stretton (58) talks about his upbringing as though his area was a failed state. "In my day we had to walk 20 miles barefoot just to get to school" he said. "In the snow!" His children...

Office Morale Lifts After 2nd-Hand Sandwich Press Appears In Lunch Room

ESSIE BURKE | Human Interest | CONTACT Terry Cranston was ready to quit his soul-destroying job as a customer service officer when a seemingly second-hand sandwich press arrived in the lunchroom at his South Betoota office. The 46-year-old opted against hitting send on a terse letter of resignation and instead took his multigrain cheese and tomato sandwich from the insulated pouch in his work satchel. "I...

Powering Through A Medium-Rare Chicken Parmigiana Last Night Comes Back To Haunt Local Man

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact He was already annoyed at having to work on a Saturday, but things were about to get a whole lot worse for one North Betoota courier. As he hugs his Caroma Sovereign Trident toilet this afternoon, 39-year-old Bert Liston can feel the hand of Satan slithering through his insides - looking for a way out. Pressed for time, the...

STAFF XMAS PARTY: Local Man About 3 Craft Beers Away From Alluding To Cocaine

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Even though it's Monday, the Brightley Lawyers Christmas Party is as boozy as an awkward staff event can be. Booking out a local rooftop bar with river views, they have an endless bar tab and permission to really let their hair down. Local para-legal, Richie (27), doesn't know if any of his work-obsessed colleagues are into this kind of thing,...

Verbally Abusing Bar Staff Best Way To Convince Them That You Aren’t Too Drunk

  ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact ROCKING UP TO A pub he's never been to before, Dale Edridge joined four other mates as they ventured into the city for a hard-earned drink-a-thon at one of Brisbane's most recognisable destination hotels. Hopping on the train at Trinder Park station in Brisbane's cosmopolitan Gold Coast corridor, the 23-year-old and his four companions shotgunned their...

Report: Plastic Tip Of Zooper Dooper Probably Just Going To Be Left In The Sink

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A recent report from both the CSIRO and Australian Bureau Of Statistics has found that the top of the Zooper Dooper is probably just going to be left in the sink until either your mum scoops it out or it gets washed down the drain. The study found that roughly 30% of all plastic found polluting the ocean...

150-Year-Old Pub On Last Warning For Noise After Waking Up Echo (3) And Atticus (1)

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The Lord Kidman Hotel, located in the inner-Betoota suburb of Roma Hills, has been fined for not taking into account the fact that the neighbouring residents expect to be able to go to sleep whenever they want. Despite standing in the same spot for 150 years and being owned and run by the same family for six decades, the...

Local man claims wife has been doing ‘Mannequin Challenge’ in bedroom for 20 years

ROY MARTYN | Editor | CONTACT Rob Denton, a 63-year-old married man, has today claimed that his wife of 40 years, Camilla, did the first mannequin challenge over 20 years ago, and “doesn’t think it’s anything to write home about.” “I’ve seen this ‘Mannequin challenge’ thing all over Facebook,” began Denton, “And it took me straight back to the 1990s - not long after...

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