Local News

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A physically and arguably existentially unremarkable yuppie has this week raised eyebrows with a questionable claim. Michael Gomez (28) did so by informing his friends that they stood no chance in their upcoming game of social tennis. Enjoying a bi-yearly hit of some worn and busted old tennis balls with shitty hand me down racquets, Michael told his...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA permanently heartbroken Betoota Heights woman has today found herself cringing a little, after spotting numerous articles and tweets suggesting that Spotify Wrapped results are a mere few days away - an occasion that ordinarily would have filled her with a lot of excitement. Having last year used it as a way to both flout her fantastic music taste...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA group of girls have this weekend come together to help out a friend sporting a tiny crop top (more like 'flop' top), after some pre drinking proved the tiny square of fabric was no match for her curious boobs. It’s alleged the owner of the boobs in question, Sara Pacoe , had been unsure if the top was...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT With just two days until the official start of the Australian Summer, the glorious blooms of Spring are starting to wrap up. The sun is about to start beating down, and the trees are reaching their most striking green form. This means it’s all over for the warmer flowers that appear after the winter frost, With more than enough storms over...

RORY SALAZAR | Finance | Contact Dill Fromps (27), the slickest entrepreneur this side of Betoota Grove, has continued on his breathtaking rise up the ranks of start-up stardom. The virtuoso entrepreneur’s meteoric ascension has been so incredible that venture capitalists are already comparing him to Aron Banks. Who that is and what that represents, the Advocate doesn’t know. But with Fromps’ latest start-up having...

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT Texts are flying across Betoota’s 3G network this evening after a post on Facebook Marketplace ignites some local gossip. At 8:32pm AEST, The Advocate understands local eyelash extension specialist Jess Kenny sent the rumour mill into a spin after listing her 2011 Suzuki Swift on Facebook Marketplace with the view to sell “ASAP”. One half of a new...

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT Steaming into his house after a night on the piss, it appears local carpet salesman Beau Hewitt has managed to do another silly season inspired number on himself. Charging through his house after several Rum n’ Cokes, Beau appeared dazed and confused as he attempted to tear off his clothing and navigate his way to the comforting...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT As his nieces and nephews make plans to travel overseas, uncle Tim Mirken (58) has made it clear that overseas travel is a complete waste of money. According to the retired boxing coach, there is no reason to travel overseas when we already live in a lovely big country with heaps of great places to travel to. As a caravan...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Local family yardstick Dillain Crooper (34) has made an adjustment to his holiday plans following a leak in his incoming Christmas presents.  In his passive-aggressive Christian family, Crooper is somewhat of a pariah as he is an atheist who prefers assertive aggression.  After finally being filled in on Christmas plans that were decided by actual adults months ago, Crooper hatched...

DR CHET SPEVENS | Finance Expert | CONTACT Are you an important corporate exec like me? Then you’d know that in times of booming corporate profits like these, some staff can become disenchanted when realising wages are not moving upwards in line with profits. For some reason, they seem to be struck down by the ridiculous belief that wealth should be shared. Super...