Scientists Discover Direct Link Between Length Of Rats Tail And Ability To Double Tail Whip
KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACTIn good news for the nation's X Games fans, scientists at the Australian Institute of Sport have released some pretty hectic findings this morning, announcing a direct link between the length of a rats tail on a teenager and the ability to cut sick on a Razor scooter.A hairstyle often spotted at regional skateparks and local...
Are You Right? Mate Thinks It’s Okay To Just Put Their Feet On The Dashboard Apparently
WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT
A local woman has caused a bit of a stir today, by insulting a close personal friend.
Tash Brady from a jumpy little terrace house in our town's French Quarter did so during a trip out to Lake Betoota.
Heading out for a swim at our town's popular inland waterhole, Tash apparently decided to just put her filthy...
Advice Column | Outshine Your Deadshit Cousins And Win Grandma’s House In The Will
DR CHET SPEVENS | Finance Expert | CONTACTThere is no stronger bond than that of family. There is no greater respect than that which we have for our elders.
Sadly, our wise and wrinkled ones won’t live forever. The inescapable fact of both our own and our grandparents’ lives is that they must end.You visit them rarely, I know. Spending time with...
Local Old Person Protects Retirement Nest Egg From Economic Downturn By Working Until Death
RORY SALAZAR | Finance | ContactAn exhausted old workhorse by the name of Roger Wilson (67) has spent the morning deciding to work until he dies.
Not because he doesn’t want to retire - he desperately wants to - but because he can’t afford it.
After reviewing his super balance in conjunction with the declining state of equities markets both globally and locally and the...
Local Wingman Wins Community Award For Always Having a Packet Of Gum On Him
EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA local bloke has this week put other wingmen to shame by upping his game and preparing ahead of time to ensure his mate had everything he needed to land a successful win, it’s reported.
It’s alleged the man in question, Tim Green was out with his mates at Betoota Heights
oldest punk bar, The Singing Canary, when his...
Music Intellectual Puts On Weird Non-Johnny Cash Version Of Hurt
LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
A local muso has elevated himself to a God-like status after playing his friends a weird non-Johnny Cash version of the song ‘Hurt’.
Released in 2003, Hurt was the last charting release by American country and rock performer Johnny Cash before his death later that year.
The music video accompanying the song is packed with heartstring yanking images of an...
Dad Content With Putting Entire Email In The Subject Line
TRACEY BENDINGER | Society | ContactLocal dad and recent pensioner Tony Hewitt has given a massive ‘F you’ to the societal constraints of email etiquette today after he chose to type out his entire email in the subject line, even though his wife strongly advised him not to.“I’ll put my email where I bloody well please!” huffed a frustrated and clearly overwhelmed, Tony.“But,...
Siri Pretty Keen To Stay Out Of Domestic Blow Up
LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTA French Quarter couple had an absolute row today which would have once interested the neighbours had it not become a constant chore to listen to.The couple in question are Rach Handerton and Jimmy Dulcliff who have been having constant screaming matches ever since Rach found a lipstick that wasn’t hers and Jimmy had the hide to say...
Apprentice Has Been Around Long Enough To Be Rewarded A Few Laughs When He Tells A Yarn
LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTA manhood-esque transition took place today as most of the employees of a Betoota cabinet making workshop agreed the apprentice has been around long enough to get treated like a proper person.The apprentice in question is 20 year old Peter Zelheim, who after three years at Emu Joinery Co is now called ‘Pretzel’ affectionately instead of in the...
Dodgy Uncle At Wedding Gives Groom Marriage Advice Like Grim Harbinger Of Doom
LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTToday was the happiest day of a man’s life, or at least would have been if he had not been the recipient of a dark and foreboding prophecy.Earlier today, PE teacher Luke Beasley (29) tied the knot with his long term partner Kim Cox (28), who will be keeping her last name for obvious reasons. Their wedding was a...
