Local News

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTIn lighthearted news, an absolute clown made a complete dick of himself today by somehow managing to fuck up a tap payment at the supermarket. Being one of the millions of Australians who has forgotten his pin number, Adrian Grock uses tap payment for all of his purchases and has done so for the past six or so years. That...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTAs hard as some Grinches might try, Christmas is yet to be cancelled and is set to claim a 2022nd victory in the annual War Against Christmas. This festive milestone is all the more impressive considering that everything and everyone is getting cancelled these days, at least according to talkback radio, Sky News and a certain Twitter owner who...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A strapping 197 centimetre picture of athletic prowess has today revealed that he's never being given the opportunity to truck the nut up the middle off the tap. Local bartender Craig Newcombe (26) is relatively new to Betoota, after relocating from central Queensland to chase hospitality work in our city's glitter strip of Roma Hills. As a man that could...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A new report by Betoota’s peak scientific body has today identified an important societal trend.  The report, authored by South Betoota Polytechnic’s Humanities Faculty and titled “People You Want To Be Stuck On A Fishing Charter With,” found that people who use the phrase ‘UnAustralian’ probably aren’t who you want to spend much time with.  The comprehensive 104 page report...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactWhen it comes to New Years Eve, there are typically four options: A. You’re invited to a house party (the best option, but these tend to severely decline after the age of 25 as people realise they can’t be fucked cleaning up after anyone). B. You go to some kind of ticketed music event (usually with the addition of pingers). C....

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Your favourite person in the world is giving 21st century dating a go by sensationally downloading Tinder. The move is set to ensure that someone on the platform can finally appreciate her grandson’s freckles. Having previously admitted she would still love her grandson no matter what, Nana Vivianne Rill (77) cannot understand why the women of the world do...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | Contact A mum who’s clearly the product of her upbringing has today been urged by her children to relax, after stoutly refusing to do anything remotely unproductive on Christmas day, it’s reported. Adhering to the sadly common trope of doing all the cooking and cleaning while all the men in the family sat on their ass and drank beer, Debbie...

RORY SALAZAR | Finance | Contact The reverential Logie Award-winning Australian comedy series, Utopia, has hit a little too close to home today for full-time indentured public servant, Callan Drazic (31). Drazic, who works as a project manager within the Department of Infrastructure, Water, Jobs, Health, Education, Banking, Transport, Environment and Mining (DIWJHEBTEM) in the Betoota Mallee regional office, could not help but find...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT A culture frozen in time is begging for sweet release today, as the sourdough starter that’s been in the freezer since lockdown ended begs for death. One of the most ancient forms of bread, sourdough is known for its tangy flavour, resistance to butter knives, and for entirely usurping Turkish bread in Australian cafes. Additionally, sourdough is known for having...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT A local landlord has avoided the scrutiny of pesky non-homeowners by popping on a high vis vest to disguise himself as a member of the working class. As the owner of seven odd properties throughout Betoota, construction business owner Bernard Mein (66) states he does not appreciate the constant landlord bashing that has endured as a result of raising...