Local News

Bloke Who Just Drove 100m To Shops Walks Half A K To Avoid ATM Fees

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Paul Churton was the butt of jokes again last night, after walking over 500 metres to the closest ATM operated by his Bank. Early on in the night, Churton refused to use the RediSmart ATM at the pub, which would charge him “a stupid bloody fee,” and decided to go for stroll. Despite confirming that he drives a...

Police confirm they punish officers by making them ride pushbikes

8 June, 2017. 10:23 ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Queensland Police for has confirmed this afternoon that they make officers they don't like ride pushbikes. The controversial admission has been confirmed by the Police Union, who say that troublesome staff are often forced onto bicycles as a form of punishment. "We can confirm at this time that policemen who ride bikes...

Man trying his best to understand current situation in the Middle East

7 June, 2017. 13:23 ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A local capital markets project assistant manager at a North Betoota investment bank has spent the overwheliming majority of his afternoon trying to wrap his head around the current situation in the Middle East, in particular, why they've all cut diplomatic ties with Qatar. Michael Annerly understands that the gas-rich peninsula has...

Jackhammer Brought In To Remove Dried Porridge Off Bowl

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Scientists have calculated that dried porridge has greater indentation strengths than diamond. Source. Currently, diamond is regarded to be the hardest known material in the world - however, dads across the country have for years claimed that leftover porridge carelessly left in a ceramic bowl is on par with wurtzite boron nitride and lonsdaleite. Local Betoota dad, Bruce (52) says the...

Woman Marrying Sri Lankan Bloke Not Sure She Can Pull Off 23-Letter Wedding Hashtag

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Betoota Hills resident, Samantha Keary has read every single Australian bridal magazine that has been printed in the last 18 months. As a self-confessed bridezilla, she knows two things. One, her dress is costing more than the venue - and two, she needs a hashtag. 'Wedding Hashtags' are a relatively new phenomenon in modern Australian marriage ceremonies. While many...

Local 16-Year-Old Confident Parents Don’t Know What Watered Down Vodka Tastes Like

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A popular student at the exclusive The  South Betoota Academy for Girls briefly spoke to The Advocate this morning about how she's been getting away with stealing vodka and other spirits from her parents for weeks. Emma, who asked to remain anonymous, said she replaces the vodka she takes with water and the brown spirits...

Bloke Didn’t Realise $20 Haircut Would Require Him To Become A Psychologist

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Local man, Glenn Vo (27) says the next time he plays the role of a life counsellor, he'll make sure he doesn't have to pay to do so. While on his lunch break from Betoota's lead Fish & Camping retailer, Glenn took his wife's advice and went for a quick short back and sides at the Daroo Street...

Scientists Confirm Loudmouth 18-Year-Old On First Night Out Actually Is Bulletproof

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A cocky young bloke who's been walking around the pub like he's bulletproof, actually is bulletproof, it has been confirmed by nearby scientists who just happened to be drinking in the same place. The Lord Kidman Hotel's local crowd in South Betoota just sit and watch on, as the near-invincible young fella keeps carrying on like a galah. After...

Pet Casts Judgemental Stare At Owner During Kick-Ons

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact One thing led to another last Saturday night, forcing a group of South Betoota youths to head back to a Cordillo Road sharehouse with a big bag of cans and a burning desire to get legless. Stacey Porterhouse put his hand up to host the kick-ons after a short discussion among the group outside the...

Kids Toys On Floor Adds Plot Twist To One-Night-Stand

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT What one local man thought was a flawless pick-up has drastically turned into something far more complex and layered, it has been confirmed. While hopping into his jeans this morning, Lewis Cranney (23) noticed something he hadn't picked up on last night. Kids toys sprawled across the living room floor. The radical change in the expected...

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