Local News

Recently Single Mate Not Fooling Anyone After Booking South America Trip To ‘See The Sights’

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact According to the financial services industry, the more a young creative professional spends on a South American holiday, the more they save. That bit of sage advice is not what spurred Morgan Hatton to tackle the world's second-most dangerous continent - he looked his friends and family in the eye and said with a straight...

Opinionated Loser Blames Political Correctness For Lack Of Australia Day Party Options

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact Local patriot, Sherman Burgent, says his poor interpersonal skills have nothing to do with the fact that he hasn't been invited to an Australia Day party. "These filthy lefties, mate" "Those whingeing soap-dodgers hate this country" Despite the fact that there are at least six Australia day parties happening in his extended social circle, Sherman hasn't gotten a bait...

Impressive Wheelies On The Rise Amongst Aboriginal Youth In Remote Communities

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Australia's beleaguered Aboriginal communities are particularly vulnerable to an array of social issues, however, nothing compares to the rise of flawless and very impressive wheelies, which seem to also have firm grip on the Indigenous youth. "They're deadly" says local jarjum, Braith Bridley (12). "My cousin, Jai did two whole laps of our block the other...

Wedding Now In Doubt After Bride-To-Be Fails To Notch Triple Digits On Engagement Pic

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT In what can only be described as a complete an utter embarrassment to both family names, recently-engaged South Betoota forensic accountant, Molly Tuxworth (29), has failed to bring in over 100 Facebook likes on her seemingly staged engagement photo. Uploaded with the caption: "So this happened..."   Molly believes she was not treated kindly by the Facebook newsfeed algorithm. "I...

Bar Staff Rush To Help Man Whose Hands Are Obviously Too Tiny To Carry Four Schooners At Once

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact When Bob Hawke explained to parliament in 1988 that the most emasculating thing a bloke could do is ask for a drinks tray, he meant it. Since then, carrying four schooners of full-carb beer from the bar back to the boys has been a life skill passed down from father to son, mate to mate....

Bloke Who Started Selling Sourdough In Country Town Thinks He’s Jamie Fucking Oliver

ESSIE BURKE | Human Interest | CONTACT Basic foods with a pretentious twist are being offered at extortionate prices on Betoota's main street as a fast talking blow-in from South Brisbane opens the town's first hipster cafe. Justin Hampel, a 37-year-old wastrel with a trust fund and a bullish belief in his entrepreneurial skills, said he had "curated a menu which pays homage to traditional Betoota fare". Experts...

Local Dad Talks About His Childhood In The Bush Like It Was In War-Torn Syria

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Despite the fact that he grew up in very similar socio-economic circumstances to the ones he provided his own children with, local dad Peter Stretton (58) talks about his upbringing as though his area was a failed state. "In my day we had to walk 20 miles barefoot just to get to school" he said. "In the snow!" His children...

Office Morale Lifts After 2nd-Hand Sandwich Press Appears In Lunch Room

ESSIE BURKE | Human Interest | CONTACT Terry Cranston was ready to quit his soul-destroying job as a customer service officer when a seemingly second-hand sandwich press arrived in the lunchroom at his South Betoota office. The 46-year-old opted against hitting send on a terse letter of resignation and instead took his multigrain cheese and tomato sandwich from the insulated pouch in his work satchel. "I...

Powering Through A Medium-Rare Chicken Parmigiana Last Night Comes Back To Haunt Local Man

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact He was already annoyed at having to work on a Saturday, but things were about to get a whole lot worse for one North Betoota courier. As he hugs his Caroma Sovereign Trident toilet this afternoon, 39-year-old Bert Liston can feel the hand of Satan slithering through his insides - looking for a way out. Pressed for time, the...

STAFF XMAS PARTY: Local Man About 3 Craft Beers Away From Alluding To Cocaine

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Even though it's Monday, the Brightley Lawyers Christmas Party is as boozy as an awkward staff event can be. Booking out a local rooftop bar with river views, they have an endless bar tab and permission to really let their hair down. Local para-legal, Richie (27), doesn't know if any of his work-obsessed colleagues are into this kind of thing,...

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