Local News

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACTA team of bored waiters have spiced up their shift this evening by running sweepstakes on the tables in their restaurant. Packed to the rafters with couples foolish enough to book a Valentine’s Day dinner package, local Italian joint ‘Snottis’ restaurant on Betoota Wharf is heaving under the weight of romance and house merlot. With couples securing a...

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT A new report has found that a plastic rose from the local servo, valued at only $9.95, is the perfect Valentine’s Day gift. Totem Tennis Coach Larry Pearson, from Men Against Love Expressed Sentimentally (MALES) says the report was compiled in an attempt to highlight the importance of providing a token gift of affection, whilst at the same time...

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACTIn breaking retail news, Coles Supermarkets have been referred to the department of fair trading this Valentine's Day for engaging in concerning levels of emotional abuse. The Advocate is aware of several complaints being directed towards the nation’s second largest grocery chain, who have been playing a torturous playlist of breakup tunes in the freezer aisle, right...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactStaring at her mate with a look of amusement and disbelief, local woman Christie Lawson informs her that no, chopping off all of her hair will not fix her problems. “But I think it’d look cute!”, Vera had protested, pulling her long hair up to reach her shoulders, “like it looks expensive.” This is of course coming from someone...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The United States Military has today confirmed that it is finally getting some bang for its buck. After a couple of decades of terrorising the Middle East, the most well resourced army in the world is now enjoying the fruits of its spendings. This follows the shooting down of a fourth balloon over US or Canadian airspace in...

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT A Betoota Grove man is preparing to go to war this morning as he looks to recuperate the funds from a Valentine's Day dinner turned sour. Two weeks ago, local engineering student Callum Durgan (25) is understood to have booked a table at Le Coucou, the swanky new French joint on Moncur Street in downtown Betoota. But after...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA recent study into trending body art has found that wolf tatts are incredibly popular amongst blokes who live in North Brisbane, as are forest tattoos (primarily on the forearm), mandalas, lions, tigers, panthers, or really just anything depicting some sort of wild animal. These findings come after it was discovered that almost every bloke who attended a music...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local man has today wowed his girlfriend with an incredible display of competence.  Jared Hicks from Betoota’s French Quarter has made his long term partner swoon at his ability to drive a car around a video game track on his PlayStation 5.  “All Golds baby” he reportedly told his girlfriend after going toe to toe with a tricky track...

DR CHET SPEVENS | Finance Expert | CONTACT Beer drinkers may not know this but for the last 40 years tax on beer has followed the automatic indexation that occurs in line with inflation. So whenever the cost of living increases – which you may have noticed it has been lately - so too does the beer tax. This has led to a...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTA local man has proved he is actually a local God after popping the question to his long time partner on a Sunday evening to ensure the subsequent announcement would receive peak social media engagement rates. Once the goal of the world’s brands before they remembered profits are a thing, social media engagement is defined as the percentage of...