Girlfriend’s Annoying Goblin Dog Just Fucking Staring At Ya
EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactAs he tries to watch a movie in peace after a shitty day of answering emails from obnoxious clients, local bloke Jeff Austin can feel that weird energy boring into him.
It’s that fucking dog again.
His girlfriend’s strange goblin dog, just sitting on the couch armchair with its questioning, silent gaze.
Always watching, always waiting.
But what for?
He doesn’t know.
“WHAT CUNT!?”,...
Girl Who Moved To New York Admits Her Broad City Dreams Haven’t Exactly Worked Out As Planned
EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactThough Anita Lang should have known that any depiction of twenty somethings living in new york would be highly fabricated, it appears that even the more honest version shown in Broad City might not even be an attainable goal.
Stating that she knew Friends, Sex and the city, and how i met your mother, were very obviously a pipe...
Local Wait Staff Enjoy Betting On Which Table Of Valentines Will Make It To Easter
KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACTA team of bored waiters have spiced up their shift this evening by running sweepstakes on the tables in their restaurant.
Packed to the rafters with couples foolish enough to book a Valentine’s Day dinner package, local Italian joint ‘Snottis’ restaurant on Betoota Wharf is heaving under the weight of romance and house merlot.
With couples securing a...
Report: Plastic Servo Rose Should Do The Trick
FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT
A new report has found that a plastic rose from the local servo, valued at only $9.95, is the perfect Valentine’s Day gift.
Totem Tennis Coach Larry Pearson, from Men Against Love Expressed Sentimentally (MALES) says the report was compiled in an attempt to highlight the importance of providing a token gift of affection, whilst at the same time...
Cruel Coles DJ Twists Knife With Bon Iver and Adele Playlist For Single Shoppers Buying Ice Cream
KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACTIn breaking retail news, Coles Supermarkets have been referred to the department of fair trading this Valentine's Day for engaging in concerning levels of emotional abuse.
The Advocate is aware of several complaints being directed towards the nation’s second largest grocery chain, who have been playing a torturous playlist of breakup tunes in the freezer aisle, right...
Woman Who’d Have To Deal With Months Of Whinging Informs Mate That No, She Would Not Suit A Bob
EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactStaring at her mate with a look of amusement and disbelief, local woman Christie Lawson informs her that no, chopping off all of her hair will not fix her problems.
“But I think it’d look cute!”, Vera had protested, pulling her long hair up to reach her shoulders, “like it looks expensive.”
This is of course coming from someone...
$850 Billion Defence Budget Really Getting A Work Out On These Balloons
WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT
The United States Military has today confirmed that it is finally getting some bang for its buck.
After a couple of decades of terrorising the Middle East, the most well resourced army in the world is now enjoying the fruits of its spendings.
This follows the shooting down of a fourth balloon over US or Canadian airspace in...
Heartbroken Bloke Calling To Cancel Valentines Day Booking Ready To Argue The 50% Cancellation Fee
KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT
A Betoota Grove man is preparing to go to war this morning as he looks to recuperate the funds from a Valentine's Day dinner turned sour.
Two weeks ago, local engineering student Callum Durgan (25) is understood to have booked a table at Le Coucou, the swanky new French joint on Moncur Street in downtown Betoota.
But after...
80% Of Aussie Blokes With Wolf Tattoos Found To Live In North Brisbane
EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA recent study into trending body art has found that wolf tatts are incredibly popular amongst blokes who live in North Brisbane, as are forest tattoos (primarily on the forearm), mandalas, lions, tigers, panthers, or really just anything depicting some sort of wild animal.
These findings come after it was discovered that almost every bloke who attended a music...
Adult Man On His L Plates Manages To Collect All Gold’s In License Test
WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT
A local man has today wowed his girlfriend with an incredible display of competence.
Jared Hicks from Betoota’s French Quarter has made his long term partner swoon at his ability to drive a car around a video game track on his PlayStation 5.
“All Golds baby” he reportedly told his girlfriend after going toe to toe with a tricky track...
