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All Girls School Reach DEFCON 2 After On-Campus Tradie Goes Shirtless

TRACEY BENDINGER | Social Nuances | CONTACT The head mistress of Betoota’s most elite and prestigious all-girls private school has today had to call on the help of the Australian Federal Police Riot Squad Division after 3 average looking tradies went shirtless while working on school grounds. Ms. Gaelic, head mistress of Welsham School, called the AFP in an absolute panic, reporting that the girls...

Local Woman Fails To See The Irony After Receiving 10,000 Spoons Instead Of A Knife

LEROY PERCIVAL | Central-Coast Queensland Folk-Rock Editor | Contact North Betoota local Taylor Morrissete has today been left baffled and annoyed when a logistics mistake resulted in 10,000 spoons being delivered to her house yesterday morning.   One thing that didn’t cross her mind, however, was the word ‘ironic’.   The part-time florist and culinary enthusiast had ordered herself a new knife online, when her trusty...

Byron Bay Sells Out Of Water Balloons For Some Reason

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Despite the cold weather in Northern New South Wales, it appears that the Byron Shire has completely sold out of water balloons. That's according to Target floor managers and newsagent owners across the region. "I'm not sure what's going on" said one Newsagent, Butler Parkway. "Must be a big water bomb fight happening this weekend or something" "We've had a lot...

Calombaris Hires Eliminated Masterchef Contestant On Same Salary She Was On In The Show

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact Recently eliminated Masterchef contestant Shakira, has had some better news today. After being visibly distraught at having to pack her bags and head home to her family, Shakira received an offer from one of the judges to come and work in one of his restaurants.   The offer of work was at George Calombaris’ Hellenic Republic in...

Dusty Admits He’s Too Scared To Go Out To Restaurants In Melbourne

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact A tatted up, Brownlow medal-winning bad boy from Campbelltown has today thrown his support behind Prime Minister Turnbull's claims that Melbourne is too scary to go out in. Speaking from behind the deadlocked security screen at his Richmond residence, Dustin Martin told reporters that the actions of roughly 150 African juvenile delinquents has him absolutely terrified. "We are afraid to...

Baby Boomers Prepared To Vote For Pauline If Slight Dip In House Prices Isn’t Corrected Immediately

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact Prominent post-war land bankers, Deborah and Peter Mcguire (both 67), have today declared that they protect their unsustainable nest egg by any means necessary. This comes after the news that only half the properties that went to auction in Sydney and Melbourne on the weekend found buyers, as the hysterical Australian property market continues it's two week cool off,...

Novelty Of Winter Soup At Local Cafe Wearing Pretty Thin By Now

Continuing the proud Australian tradition of being completely inept at handling cold weather, local cafes are continuing to serve novel cups of soup to chilly customers, despite the fact that halfway through July, it’s wearing pretty thin by now. Every June, anxious caffeine addicts are treated to the smell of fresh soup coming from a countertop soup pot. Some choose...

CDs Sitting On Passenger Seat A Decent Indicator Your Friend Is Struggling A Bit With Adulthood

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact Rumours that high-school friend and freelance dreadlock maker Bella Rickard (28) is getting her life on track appear to be falsified as a source close to Rickard confirmed her friend did, in fact, have CDs in her car. Speaking exclusively with The Advocate friend of Rickard, Ellen Woodley (28), stated that during a recent lift in Rickard’s 1999 Hyundai...

Balding Man Grows Goatee In Ultimate Act Of Defiance

LOUIS BURKE | Lifestyle | Contact Emerging chrome-dome Darren Wright (42) has dealt a blow to his receding hairline by growing a goatee in what many are calling the ultimate act of defiance. The 42-year-old wrestling enthusiast states he wants to make it clear to people that he is not going bald without a fight, choosing to grow his facial hair in a specific area...

Australia’s Brief Interest In Bikesharing To Live On At The Bottom Of Sydney Harbour

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Australia’s once seemingly booming share bike economy looks to be at an end, after two more companies announced they were pulling out of capital city markets - leaving behind only the steel and plastic at the bottom of the Yarra River and Sydney Harbour. China-owned Ofo bikes and the Australian company Reddy Go were both stroked warmly by city...

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