Headlines

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local university student has shocked his housemates today, after treating himself like a king at the check out. The normally thrifty aspiring engineer named Andy Wilcocks (19) blew away his peers during a group trip to the budget supermarket and holy grail for uni students, Aldi, on the outskirts of Betoota Heights. After exiting his housemate’s 03 Toyota...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT A panel of three news presenters you have never heard of, toasted to their 1,000th live discussion about homework today. Although it is now widely known a three way daytime satellite chat is only interesting if the presenters are arguing about wearing the same colour, the panel of three decided to celebrate the milestone of discussing a pretty...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT A lonely share house succulent has continued to exist in a state of permanent prolonged death as it has now been passed through to it’s 15th negligent owner. The succulent which is now believed to be called Soil Goodman after being named JK Growling, Leafona Lewis, Chris Stemsworth and Dennis, has been passed to share house dweller...

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Local man Nathan Shaub (28) has a chequered driving record to say the least. Over his lifetime, he’s lost his license four times for speeding and he currently has just two demerit points to spare. Despite his clear negligence on the road, Nathan swears on his mum’s life that the cops will let you off if you’re under 10km...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local logistics manager for Xerox has today vowed to never again buy any of Gillette's shaving razors, vowing to continue growing out his wispy neckbeard. Kip Indaws (41) says he is sick of big left-wing companies and their "virtue signalling" by adhering to the radical feminist theories that men are somehow responsible for the alarming amount of...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact A recent report by the Australian Bureau Of Meteorology has found that they aren't too fussed by hail unless it breaches the universal benchmark of what constitutes a big hail stone. Which is golf-ball-sized. This reminder comes after the Australian Capital Territory was hit by a massive hailstorm, with huge hail stones raining down on Canberra and it's surrounds. Parts...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact Following the news that yet another Australian actress has been made to feel uncomfortable by the patron saint of chardonnay socialism, it seems that the many inner-city Bunnings franchises right across the country are being stormed by silver-haired theatre enthusiasts, who refuse to believe the many different young people accusing Geoffrey Rush of being a creep could be...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The Betoota Chamber of Commerce (BCC) has confirmed this afternoon that 2023 is pretty much done and dusted. Speaking to The Advocate today, Brett Kovacs the Head of the BCC told us that apart from the retail sector, they aren't expecting much more to come from the town's economy this year. "It's pretty much a wrap," said Kovacs. "If you go into any of...

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact The nation’s girlfriends have confirmed today how excited they are to about their media consumption over the next two months. With their respective TVs being permanently set to the cricket coverage, they explained that they are prepared for two months of white noise from the TV. “I can’t wait, two months of watching a game that I have no interest...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A young woman has revealed to The Advocate today that she is seriously contemplating whether it's all worth it. The permanent part-time employee at a store in Betoota Heights made the revelation after suffering through her third week of Christmas carols. Carlie Jade explained that she is very much at the end of her tether. "All I want for Christmas is for these...