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February Sports Lull Sees Local Jock Resort To Shouting Will Ferrell Quotes At House Party

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Local mouthbreather, Corey Boyden (30), has today proven to his greater friendship circle that he can actually have a good time without needing to engage in an antisocial amount of in-depth cricket and football analysis with fellow jocks. The former Met-East hurdler turned soft drink and flavoured milk sales rep appears to be the life of the party at...

Half-Pissed Family Man Times His Uber Home From The Pub To Arrive After His Final Lung Lollie

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Suburban mortgage broker Jax Bailey (42) has had a real fucken shit of a month. On top of being thrown under the bus by the back-pedalling banking sector after the findings of the Royal Commission were released a couple weeks back, Jax is also dealing with the fact that his three speaking-age sons have been rocked by nits and...

Notably Handsome Best Man Has The Aunties Firing Off Extremely Unsubtle Nods To Single Nieces

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The Holy matrimony of popular Betoota power couple, Andrew Scali and Becky Latham has today resulted in another kick in the arse for the single cousins who are not yet reaching life milestones as fast as today's bride. Becky, who has a sweet job that takes her around the world selling heavily marked up soap products to rich Asian...

Thousands Of Protestors Find Time Between Netflix And UberEats To Support Sydney’s Nightlife

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Thousands of millennials who can't really be fucked to go see a band this weekend gathered in Sydney's Hyde Park last night to protest the NSW government's live music regulations. The protest was organised in protest of the NSW Liberal Government's ongoing assault on life music, namely the lockout laws that the Labor opposition have no intention of repealing...

Upcoming Reality TV Show Episode To Somehow Top Last Week’s Unmissable Biggest Ever Episode

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact Mia Bendtner (27) is currently wondering where the madness will end. The madness of reality television, specifically. The full-time solicitor and avid reality TV fan was left reeling, after the promise from a commercial television network that she would be witness to the zenith of trash tv this week. That zenith being the “Biggest, Most Explosive Night In Australian TV History,”...

Uni Student Floors Housemates After Purchasing Full Priced Meat

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local university student has shocked his housemates today, after treating himself like a king at the check out. The normally thrifty aspiring engineer named Andy Wilcocks (19) blew away his peers during a group trip to the budget supermarket and holy grail for uni students, Aldi, on the outskirts of Betoota Heights. After exiting his housemate’s 03 Toyota...

Daytime News Panel Celebrates 1,000th Discussion About Homework

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT A panel of three news presenters you have never heard of, toasted to their 1,000th live discussion about homework today. Although it is now widely known a three way daytime satellite chat is only interesting if the presenters are arguing about wearing the same colour, the panel of three decided to celebrate the milestone of discussing a pretty...

Share House Succulent Now Onto Its 15th Negligent Owner

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT A lonely share house succulent has continued to exist in a state of permanent prolonged death as it has now been passed through to it’s 15th negligent owner. The succulent which is now believed to be called Soil Goodman after being named JK Growling, Leafona Lewis, Chris Stemsworth and Dennis, has been passed to share house dweller...

Man With 2 Demerit Points Left Insists The 9km P/H Speeding Allowance Is Real

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Local man Nathan Shaub (28) has a chequered driving record to say the least. Over his lifetime, he’s lost his license four times for speeding and he currently has just two demerit points to spare. Despite his clear negligence on the road, Nathan swears on his mum’s life that the cops will let you off if you’re under 10km...

Man Who Already Has A Visible Lack Of Interest In Personal Grooming Vows To Boycott Gillette

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local logistics manager for Xerox has today vowed to never again buy any of Gillette's shaving razors, vowing to continue growing out his wispy neckbeard. Kip Indaws (41) says he is sick of big left-wing companies and their "virtue signalling" by adhering to the radical feminist theories that men are somehow responsible for the alarming amount of...

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