Headlines

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The mouth-breathing working class morons who play that neckless brand of 'sportsball' for a living have been advised today that if they want to behave however they want, they should become darlings of the arts. This news follows today's ruling that actor Geoffrey Rush has had a substantial win in the defamation case he launched against Sydney newspaper the...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Several ASIO officials are reportedly being treated for PTSD today after having to closely study shirtless photos of the Member For Dickson, in an effort to understand just how he managed to get himself in so much shit. The photos, which show Peter Dutton holidaying half-naked at the picturesque North Brisbane bayside suburb of Deception Bay, may provide insight...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The Nightwatchman has accused Labor of declaring a "war on the weekend" with its plan for half of all new cars to be electric by 2030, arguing that it is a policy that appears to disrupt the status quo. This comes as a surprise, given the fact that the moderate Elonmusxuals in the Coalition have championed electric cars for years,...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Melbourne's paleo community have taken to the streets today to demand the rest of the nation adhere to their chosen lifestyle and diet. This comes 24 hours after the first diet-based protests broke out across the country on Monday morning, with thousands of iron-deficient inner-city plant-based animal-rights advocates blockading busy metropolitan intersections and trespassing on family properties in regional...

INGRID DOULTON | Television and Other Drugs | Contact A number of vegan protestors arrested today in Melbourne will be forced to watch the Married At First Sight finale this evening as they spend their first night in custody. Speaking to the media this afternoon in the nation's most dangerous city, Dale Cassidy from the Victoria Police said 'they weren't kidding...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Melbourne's animal rights activists are starting to slow down this morning, after coming out of the gates hard with a lot of shouting and physical exertion. The protestors blocked one of city's busiest intersections, disrupting 11 tram routes during peak hour, making life hard for the other inner-city residents within their echo chamber. What started as a passionate and peaceful...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A recent report by the Institute Of Australian Nightclub Door Girls has found that 98% of people who put their hands up to be a contestant on Married At First Sight, also used to rock a pink Moto-Razr back in the day. "What we have found is, the Motorola Razr appears to have set a tone for young people...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The blokes from Powderfinger and the other organisers behind the iconic Splendour In The Grass arts and music festival have finally announced this year's highly-anticipated lineup. Headlining this year’s lineup is Childish Gambino, Chance The Rapper, SZA, Foals and James Blake. This year, however, there has been a specific focus on Australian talent. with POND, Thelma Plum, Ruby Fields,...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Local fly-in-fly-out oil and gas worker Brendan Wilton (52) has today been caught out pulling a sneaky one, as he approaches the halfway mark of his current two-week swing. After a couple years of intermittently living out of a demountable in Chinchilla, Brendo was surprised to see a friend request from an apparently local chick, who he had never...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT In a radical new effort to avoid Michael Daleying his Steven Bradbury, Labor leader Bill Shorten has today looked to fill a gaping black hole in his public persona. Well known for lacking a characteristic set of behaviours, cognitions, and emotional patterns that evolve from biological and environmental factors, Shorten has today purchased a membership at the Essendon F45...