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Turnbull Steals Show On The Masked Singer With Simple Plan’s “I’m Sorry I Can’t Be Perfect”

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Reality TV watchers across the nation were characteristically shocked as new reality show The Masked Singer dropped it's most economically-conservative twist yet.  After what was clearly a heartfelt rendition of "I'm sorry I can't be perfect" by Canadian noughties punk-pop band Simple Plan, contestant 'The Penfolds' was decided by the audience to be the one to publicly unmask or...

Local Man Probably Didn’t Have To Watch Every One Of The Weekend’s Sporting Events At The Pub

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Local data analyst, Corey Letterman (31) is today starting to question whether he really needed to stay at the pub between Whittaker vs Style Bender at 2:45PM and the NRL Grand Final at 7:45PM. When you throw in the fact that he was at the pub on Saturday watching the Wallabies beat Uruguay as well, then it's not hard...

Kurtley Left With A Crook Stomach After Being Served Dodgy Prawn Tempura In Japan Overnight

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Wallabies fullback Kurtley Beale says he was initially “spooked” by a rogue prawn in Japan's Kyushu Island last night. The Wallaby has reportedly been experiencing a crook gut after being served a suspiciously pale and crusty prawn tempura at Oita Stadium last night. The incident is quite reminiscent of the 1995 World Cup in South Africa, where All Blacks players...

Johnneh Bateman Shows Croker How To Hide A Razor Blade On His Headgear Like Back In Uhngland

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT It's Grand Final Day for the 2019 NRL competition. Hours from now we will be treated to the showdown between the Sydney Roosters, gunning for back-to-back premiership titles against the underdog Canberra Raiders at ANZ Stadium. The curtains will be raised this afternoon with the Newtown Jets taking on the Burleigh Bears in the State Championship, before the Broncos...

“Oi Check This Out” Says Comedic Genius Pretending Power Drill Is His Penis

The Betoota comedy scene is on high alert after a recent incident during a home-reno job in Betoota Heights. It is alleged that freelance chippy turned comedy tour de force, Leo Tognellini (55), redefined humour while working on-site with his brother but technically nephew Henry (29). “Oi Hen! Hen! Check this shit out!” exclaimed Tognellini while holding a power drill in...

Highly Paid Pissheads Who Only Work In Canberra For Half The Year Actually Achieve Something

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The Australian public have been left in a state of shock this week, after learning about a team of Canberra fly-in-fly-outs who seem to be actually worth their huge salaries. Needless to say, this particular industry is in no way aligned with Federal Parliament, but they are paid by the people they are supposed to represent, who hand over...

Rural Newspaper Claims NRL Grand Final Debutant Who Lived In Town For A Two-Month Pre-Season

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT With almost an entire team of Canberra Raiders players making their first ever Grand Final appearance this weekend, rural newspaper's around the country are scrambling to document every vague association their town may have to this team of underdogs. Small town sports journalists around the country have been flat out crafting up autobiographies for the debutants of both teams...

New Study Finds Original Use For Milk Crates Was To Move Dairy Products Around

FRANKIE DeGROOT | NSW | CONTACT Although Milk Crates have a multitude of uses, the humble furniture and self-defence item was originally developed as a means of moving milk cartons around, a new report has found. Local museum curator Elsie Cordoba, 73, has spent almost 2 years compiling the study into the origins of the multi-purpose item; with some unexpected results. She says while many...

Instagram Model At Dally Ms Quickly Checks Phone To Remember Name Of The Bloke She Came With

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT As was expected, Horden Pavillion was chocka-block with glitz, glamour and Gore-Tex implants as the NRL came together to celebrate rugby league's night of nights. Also not surprising was the winner of the coveted Dally M Medal, Roosters fullback James Tedesco. Tedesco recorded 34 votes to edge Melbourne's Cameron Smith (31) and Eels playmaker Mitchell Moses (29) for the game's...

Pop Really Missing Virginia Trioli

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Local Betoota retiree, Victor Stamolis (81) is reportedly not yet through the grieving stage of Virginia Trioli's retirement from breakfast television. The family of elderly former house painter say they'd been concerned by his recent reclusiveness and shorter temper for quite a while. After months of probing by his youngest granddaughter, Victor eventually revealed what was up. "He says he misses...

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