Politics

Transition Back Into Work Mode Made Easier By Office Air Conditioning

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Over are the lazy days of playing Battlefield on the couch wearing only underpants. At least for Dennis Samuels they are. The oppressive heat was getting to him this morning as he made his way to the Betoota MetroLine stop on the corner of Greenbow and Kent in Betoota Heights. He wasn't used to wearing a $29...

Malcolm Roberts Seen Finishing People’s Empties At New Year’s Eve Party

LOUIS BURKE | Society | Contact It has been reported that former senator and climate change expert, Malcolm Roberts, was seen at a Sunshine Coast New Year’s Eve party moving from table to table, finishing the remaining dregs of other people’s drinks. The New Year’s bash at a private residence was attended by many One Nation staff and representatives, including party Senate...

Barnaby Praised For Extra Cautious Sun Safety At Mooloolaba With Beach Akubra

Deputy Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce has been praised by advocates of sun safety this year for his oversized 'beach akubra' at Mooloolaba. After a health scare with sunspots earlier in the year, the member for New England has made a point of covering his fair Kiwi skin with a long sleeved work shirt and a sombrero style cane hat, a...

Barnaby Berates Teenagers Working At Mooloolaba Coles For Running Out Of Tartare Sauce

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact Deputy Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce is reportedly 'spewing' today after being informed that there is no tartare sauce left in Mooloolba, by the nervous teenagers holding holiday management roles. "Fuck me" he said. "Can't a man unwind" Mr Joyce was quite controlled while telling the 16-year-old deli supervisor that he's got about eight kilos of fresh Sunshine coast prawns that he...

“You Were The Chosen One!” Screams Bill Shorten Before Leaving Sam Dastyari To Die In The Firey Pit Of Trade Unionism

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Earlier yesterday, the Opposition Leader rang one of his backbench senators and told him not to come to work next year. Shortly after, Bill Shorten and departing senator Sam Dastyari fought hand-to-hand and room-to-room over the Sydneysider's future in politics. Initially, only punches and slaps were traded, until maverick MP Bob Katter threw them both a sword, which he kept...

Mid-Afternoon Kayak Fails To Cheer Malcolm Turnbull Up After Q&A Train-Wreck

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Many times in the past, a quick scoot around Sydney Harbour's Shark Island from his Point Piper home is enough to put the breath back in his trumpet - not today. Malcolm Turnbull appeared on popular ABC witch-hunting programme, Q&A, last night and not everything went to plan according to many media commentators. The sentiments of...

Shorten Forced To Explain His Mandarin Tattoo Not Associated With Political Donations

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Leader of the Opposition, Bill Shorten MP has today had to clarify that the mandarin tattoo running down his neck has nothing to do with the Labor parties newly revealed links to the Chinese Government. "It was a mid-life crisis brain snap" said Shorten. "Not the political donations stuff, the tattoo" "I believe it says Golden Boy, in Mandarin, I had...

Report: Dastyari In Some Curry

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A recent report by anyone who has been reading the news has found that Labor senator and walking headline Sam Dastyari really couldn''t have landed himself in more shit if he tried. This comes after a report in Fairfax Media that suggests he urged Labor's deputy Tanya Plibersek not to meet pro-democracy activists in Hong Kong. "Oh fuck" said Shorten. "Just when I...

Gay Marriage Bill Expected To Pass After Coalition Officially Use Up Both Their Reviews

KENT REGINALD | Entertainment | CONTACT Same-Sex marriage opponents were dealt a huge blow this afternoon, after it was confirmed that they’ve used up all of their reviews and won’t get any more to fight the passing of the bill. Coalition captain Tony Abbott had displayed some truly frivolous reviewing over the course of the debate, and matters came to a head today as yet...

NSW Premier Considers Pulling Down Opera House And Making It A Bit Bigger For No Reason

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Gladys Berejiklian has reportedly spent some time sniffing around the Opera House this morning, looking for somewhere else to piss away billions of dollars. Other members within the party have revealed to The Advocate today that the Premier is not content with spending just $2 billion demolishing and rebuilding the two major football stadiums in Sydney, so is...

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