Politics

Nation Quietly Nervous About What Morrison Thinks Constitutes As Vilifying Muslims

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact The nation has confirmed this morning that it's a bit worried about what the Nightwatchman Prime Minister actually thinks is vilifying Muslims. This admission comes after Scott Morrison claimed this week that he was disgusted by claims that he has vilified Muslims in the past, and refuted any attempt to maybe insinuate that he's used the community to...

Asian With PHD Gleefully Sniggers After Taking Michael Daley’s Daughter’s Job As RSL Glassie

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A 'highly educated Asian' who has had no problem finding unskilled work in Sydney since he arrived in Australia to study aeronautical engineering three years ago, says he couldn't say no to the opportunity of taking a part time job that could have gone to a stay-at-home daughter of a State Politician. "This is great for me" he said. "While...

Hunky Student Climate Activist Comes Home From Strike Looking Sleepy And Smelling Of Impulse

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet| CONTACT A young man passionate about climate change has just arrived home from a big day of activism today. Blayne Wilson from Betoota Heights Secondary College has returned from the climate strikes to his family home looking pretty tired and smelling of teenage deodorant. "Yeah it was good mum," said the nonchalant high schooler currently making waves in his...

Dutton Drops New Pre-Election Backflip: “Some Of My Best Mates Are South Sudanese Teenagers”

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Home Affairs Minister, Peter Dutton, says the Morrison government should not be in the business of drumming up scare campaigns about African teenage gangs in Melbourne, following new poll numbers that suggest he's probably going to get shafted from this seat he barely held onto last election. "I just, I just think it's all a bit of a beat up"...

Adlay Albo Ditches His Bumbag After Receiving Tip Off About Jacks Waiting At The Next Station

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Labor Leader Anthony Albanese has today moved quickly to avoid any confrontation with local police today, after a close call during his commute home from the Burwood cinemas. Mr Albanese, or Adlay Albo, as he is now called - has shocked the Labor party by freeing himself from the shackles of GetUp and adopting the 'eshay culture' most commonly...

City With 10pm Curfew Definitely Needs 3 New Stadiums, Says D̶e̶v̶e̶l̶o̶p̶e̶r̶s̶ NSW Premier

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT In a blind effort to strike an emotive cord with apathetic Sydney voters, NSW Premier Gladys Berejiklian is going ahead with her plan to spend more than two billion dollars to demolish and rebuild both ANZ and Allianz stadiums. With the finishing touches being applied to the new Parramatta Stadium, and something like $25 million being designated for...

Terrified Cabbie Clocked at 180KM After Seeing Mark Latham In The Taxi Rank

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact A local taxi driver has risked a considerable fine and potential jail time today, after flying down a busy CBD thoroughfare. The cabbie of 34 years named Graeme Wilson reached speeds of 180 k's an hour this afternoon after spotting the former Opposition Leader Mark Latham in the taxi rank. "Nah fuck that," said a flustered Wilson who pulled...

Turnbull Attempts To Move Car After It Has Been Towed

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact Popping back into the limelight to check if people still hate him, former PM Malcolm Turnbull has taken the first terrifying step in a trend known as ‘former-PMs-who-won’t-fuck-off’ by appearing in a BBC interview to talk about the time he tried to move his car long after it had been towed. During the interview, Turnbull recounted an incident where...

“We Need To Switch To Renewables Now” Malcolm Turnbull Tells Volleyball With Face On It

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact Former Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull has proved to the Australian public he can continue to disappoint them without being in power by speaking up on issues facing the nation for the first time since about 2015. During an intimate interview, the Baron of Backflips shared his thoughts on issues he is passionate about with all those willing to listen...

Liberal Party Praises Fossil Fuel Industry For Tasteful New Paint Job On Solomon Islands

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT High-ranking cabinet ministers from within the Australian Liberal Party have today praised the fossil fuel industry and their many lobbyist donors for the cute little reno they provided for the Pacific nation of the Solomon Islands, after grounded cargo ship resulted in an irreversible oil spill in a World Heritage-listed marine sanctuary. At least 75 tonnes of heavy...

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