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Nation Dedicates Roughly 26 Seconds Of Thought To Tomic’s Withdrawal From Rio

14 May, 2016 14:45 CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT   Experts agree that much like Nick Kyrgios, Australian tennis person Bernard Tomic was probably not smacked as a child. The entire tennis community has berated Bernard Tomic today for his decision to forgo representing Australia at the Rio Olympics in favour of playing an obscure ATP Tour event in Mexico. Instead of going to Brazil in August,...

Bill Shorten reveals he maintains his cool composure by screaming into pillows

14 May, 2016. 15:34 ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact DESPITE BEHIND IN NEARLY every poll, Opposition leader Bill Shorten has been cooler than a cucumber  this election campaign, which he chalks up to one simple trick. "I scream into a pillow three times a day," reveals the 49-year-old, who celebrated his birthday on Thursday. "The goose feather ones work the best. I...

Bouncer Asks Patron To Recite Man From Snowy River Backwards While Hopping On One Foot

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact ONE OF HIS FAVOURITE tricks is to tell a punter to go for a walk around the block, or to come back in an hour. He says seeing the look on someone's face when you tell them they're not coming in will never get old. You could walk around the block until the sun comes up...

NRL Shocked To Once Again Learn That Ex-Players Don’t Make Very Good Accountants

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The NRL has fined the Manly Sea Eagles $750,000 for breaches of the salary cap over the past five years, while two officials have also received 12-month bans. “What we have found is that hiring former footballers to run a professional sport franchise is probably not the best way to go" said club CEO Joel Surfiekhunt. "Especially when most...

Shane Warne, Andrew Johns and Grant Hackett to film a bender for charity

12 May, 2016. 17:45 ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact SAID TO BE THE COMBINATION of the 40 Hour Famine and a country rugby league Mad Monday, three stalwarts of the Australian bender scene have come together in aid of a very special charity. Cricketing legend Shane Warne and Swimmer Grant Hackett came up with the idea of filming a bender, which...

Q&A’s Duncan Storrar named in Panama Papers

12 May, 2016. 17:45 ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact SELF-CONFESSED TAX PAYER and welfare recipient Duncan Storrar shot to fame earlier this week after going into bat for Aussie battlers on ABC's Q&A. This morning, he's famous for another reason. Alongside this morning's revelations surrounding Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull's involvement, the 45-year-old father of two was once a director of an offshore company...

Local Woman’s Sunday Morning Bout Of ‘Food-Poisoning’ Completely Self-Diagnosed

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A Brisbane woman has recovered from a bout of self-diagnosed food poisoning despite doctors sending her home for excessive inebriation and the onset of dehydration. “They told me to go home, put a bucket next to the bed, keep my fluids up and to sleep it off,” said Lizzy Anderson, 28-year-old personal assistant to the CBD office leasing...

NT Police “Cops Are Deadly” Recruitment Campaign Received Poorly

PADDY MUNRO | Top End | CONTACT Northern Territory Police have ramped up efforts to attract new cadets by venturing down a new avenue and targeting Aboriginal Australians, who make up roughly 30% of the Top End's population. This news comes as NT Police Minister Peter Chandler decried the Top End’s attempt to blow in on a “running-man” video challenge issued by New Zealand Police - in...

Electoral Commission Rules Any Penises Drawn On Ballot Papers Will Count As A Vote For Greens

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact THE AUSTRALIAN ELECTORAL COMMISSION has ruled that a penis drawn anywhere on a ballot paper this election is automatically counted as a vote for The Greens. In a landmark decision, AEC Federal Coordinator Faye Splushman said that the male genital best represents The Greens and what they stand for. "Each year, there are so many dicks," she...

Walkley Foundation now under pressure to give Waleed Aly award after Logies win

9 May, 2016. 11:34 ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact TOWARDS THE END OF THE year, the Walkley Foundation is hosting its annual awards ceremony where Waleed Aly is expected to clean up in light of last night's Gold Logie win. Despite not having a specific gong for a most popular male television presenter, the Australian journalistic authority is expected to create...

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