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LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Prime Minister Scott Morrison has effectively abandoned his promise to establish a federal anti-corruption watchdog, citing his reason as Labor’s lack of support for his amendments - and how he would never win an election again if we all knew how corrupt the government really is. Although Scotty pledged to legislate a federal integrity body in parliament before the...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Local atheist Dean Barnes (28) characteristically “can’t believe this crap” as his failure to remember God’s weird bottle shop laws is causing him to have a ‘Bad Friday.’ Known for being the most underrated holiday going around, the Easter Long Weekend provides believers and gentiles alike with four glorious days off kicking off with the curiously named Good Friday. Taking...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The National Party have this week revealed how they plan to fix on of the major bungles from their government's time in office. Speaking at a press conference in Darwin with a fancy new hat, Nationals leader Barnaby Joyce has promised 1.5 billion dollars in funding to build a completely new Port of Darwin. This comes after the...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The leaders of the Liberal Party have moved once again today to assure the nation that they are the safest pair of hands. Despite a chequered history of financial errors, the man who overestimated JobKeeper by $60 billion says that no one else but he and his party can be trusted with the nation's finances. "Just look at the...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The National Rugby League has today revealed its grand plan to stop the horde of pitch invaders plaguing their game. After a big weekend of fans jumping the fence to cause a scene out on the turf, the game's peak body has revealed they are calling in the big guns. "We have approached Andrew 'Roy' Symonds to come...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Culture | CONTACT A drug dealer is facing quite a few accusations today, after behaving in a very un-drug dealer like way. Mitchell Ellis had reportedly set up a Wickr account in the hopes of offloading some weed and pingers and was initially met with quite a few responses in his area. Considering he only worked part-time as a bartender...

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT A local girl has reintroduced herself to the world of Instagram this afternoon, posting some impressive kiln-baked curations thanks to her new pottery hobby. After six months of minimal social media activity, The Advocate understands 25-year-old PR professional Haylee Saunders has posted a carousel of sepia-toned images, showing off a beautiful collection of handcrafted Japanese pottery. The salacious...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Life has found a way in the Betoota Flight Path District as local hipster Nathan Bolt has slowly begun to absorb the Greek culture of the locals he has played a part in pricing out of his neighbourhood. Opening a bar in what was once the family owned Kamateros Hardware Store, Bolt has been a big figure in his...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT With one of the proposed dates of the election (that we might just have to call ourselves) being on the weekend of the NRL Magic Round, the AEC has warned the PM that doing so may be considered Queensland voter suppression.  A new tradition in Australian sporting history, the not at all generously named NRL Magic Round takes place...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The Betoota Heights Tavern has today responded to the negative publicity surrounding a significant change at the venue. The owner of the venue has revealed that the floor price of house schooners has been raised due to circumstances out of his control. "Haven't been reading the news have we? There's a war going on," said the proud owner of...