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KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT A quiet science teacher is believed to have caused some self-inflicted ligament damage this week, giving himself permission to wildly swing the elbows at a Midnight Oil concert. A well-known environmental activist who encourages the use of keep cups at Betoota Ponds High School, it’s understood Mr Martin Hirst (52) was spotted strutting into the classroom enthusiastically...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A year 9 student at Betoota Heights High has today responded to the comments made by our Prime Minister last night. "I'm feeling blessed today," said young Brayden Williams this afternoon. "That I don't have a dad like Scott Morrison." Speaking in reference to Scott Morrison's comments during the leader's debate last night, Brayden says he isn't really...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT As billionaire Liberal Party donor Gerry Harvey grows nervous that a Labor Government might force him to pay back the hundreds of millions of dollars his retail empire stole from the taxpayers through JobKeeper rorts, the Australian media outlets that survive off Harvey Norman advertisements have gotten to work to convince the nation that the most incompetent Prime...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Prime Minister Scott Morrison has effectively abandoned his promise to establish a federal anti-corruption watchdog, citing his reason as Labor’s lack of support for his amendments - and how he would never win an election again if we all knew how corrupt the government really is. Although Scotty pledged to legislate a federal integrity body in parliament before the...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Local atheist Dean Barnes (28) characteristically “can’t believe this crap” as his failure to remember God’s weird bottle shop laws is causing him to have a ‘Bad Friday.’ Known for being the most underrated holiday going around, the Easter Long Weekend provides believers and gentiles alike with four glorious days off kicking off with the curiously named Good Friday. Taking...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The National Party have this week revealed how they plan to fix on of the major bungles from their government's time in office. Speaking at a press conference in Darwin with a fancy new hat, Nationals leader Barnaby Joyce has promised 1.5 billion dollars in funding to build a completely new Port of Darwin. This comes after the...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The leaders of the Liberal Party have moved once again today to assure the nation that they are the safest pair of hands. Despite a chequered history of financial errors, the man who overestimated JobKeeper by $60 billion says that no one else but he and his party can be trusted with the nation's finances. "Just look at the...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The National Rugby League has today revealed its grand plan to stop the horde of pitch invaders plaguing their game. After a big weekend of fans jumping the fence to cause a scene out on the turf, the game's peak body has revealed they are calling in the big guns. "We have approached Andrew 'Roy' Symonds to come...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Culture | CONTACT A drug dealer is facing quite a few accusations today, after behaving in a very un-drug dealer like way. Mitchell Ellis had reportedly set up a Wickr account in the hopes of offloading some weed and pingers and was initially met with quite a few responses in his area. Considering he only worked part-time as a bartender...

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT A local girl has reintroduced herself to the world of Instagram this afternoon, posting some impressive kiln-baked curations thanks to her new pottery hobby. After six months of minimal social media activity, The Advocate understands 25-year-old PR professional Haylee Saunders has posted a carousel of sepia-toned images, showing off a beautiful collection of handcrafted Japanese pottery. The salacious...