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Katter Calls For $120m Plebiscite On Whether Crocs Should Be Allowed To Eat North Queenslanders

KENT REGINALD | Entertainment | CONTACT Maverick MP Bob Katter has today renewed calls for a new $120 million plebiscite into whether crocodiles should be allowed to eat North Queenslanders or not. Katter stated, in a press release, that he believes it is every Australian’s right to have a say in whether or not North Queenslanders were worth keeping around. “Frankly, this is one of the...

Complimentary Mentos Enough To Spur Punter Into Feeding Another Pineapple Through

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT As they always say, there ain’t no such thing as a free lunch. If ever the adage rang true, it was this weekend, as a Fremantle punter learnt the value of some “free” lollies. Popping in for a couple of beers with some mates on the weekend, Phil Walsh, a business analyst at a reputable firm thought he...

No Campaign Blames Result On Lower Number Of No Voters

In a decision that has shocked no one, over 70% of the Australian public voted in favour of legalising same sex marriage on the controversial postal survey. Across the country, the queer community and allies have joined together to celebrate the support against one of the last vestiges of inequality in the Australian constitution. One not so happy voter, is head...

Townsville Council Propose 80 Metre ‘JT The Redeemer’ Sculpture On Top Of Castle Hill

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Townsville mayor Jenny Hill has today announced a proposal to erect a 328 ft soapstone statue of Cowboys captain and future rugby league immortal, Johnathan Thurston, on top of the iconic pink granite monolith 'Castle Hill' which overshadows the North Queensland capital. Modelled off the iconic art deco sculptor of Christ the Redeemer in Brazil's Rio de Janeiro, the statue will expected to be...

Thirsty Merc Counting Down The Days To Peak Summertime Music Royalty Season

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT As the days stretch out and the heats sets in, many Australians look forward to the warm and enticing embrace of the summer down under. For lead singer of Thirsty Merc, Rai Thistlethwayte, the seasonal excitement of the average Aussie pales in comparison to his. “Heh heh heh, royalty season is on the way! December first can’t come...

Tradies Conclude That Things Must Be Fucked As Engineer Lights A Durrie On Site

A fresh-faced and squeaky clean graduate engineer has raised eyebrows this afternoon after sparking a PJ Gold onsite. 23 yo Dustin Willoughby was seen with eyes closed inhaling deeply on the premium cigarette before exhaling with a cathartic “Ahh”. Site Foreman Shane Saunders was first to voice the sentiments of the mixed-trade bridge construction crew. “Fuck me Dusty, I didn’t know...

Torturous 12 Hours In Heels All Worth It For The ‘Picked A Winner’ Instagram Caption

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local woman's cheeky pun that draws parallels between horse-racing and her current relationship has made her Melbourne Cup Day all worth it. After a whole day in 30 degree weather, Lisa (30) has managed to keep herself together, unlike a lot of other young people binge-drinking in Flemington yesterday. With the heels of Lisa's feet not far off becoming...

Sunday: Half-Pissed Local Man Haunted By Every Single Life Decision As Clock Nears 10pm

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A recently-single man who has attempted to drink his way out of three consecutive hangovers is tonight suffering an attack of the grog horrors, as the metaphorical brake-light of Sunday bed time catches up with him. As his mind races to unlikely hypothetical situations that could essentially ruin his life if they were to come to fruition, the 27-year-old...

Woman Who Spoke Up About Sexual Assault Online Comforted By Man Telling Her Men Can Be Victims Too

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact In an effort to raise awareness, local woman Leslie Tillard (26) shared her sexual assault story on social media and has since been met with an outpouring of support. One such statement of comfort came from Tillard’s friend Brian Pierce (28), who soothed Leslie’s pain by reminding her sexual assault also happens to men. “Thought that’d make her feel...

Uni Student’s Positive Outlook On World Slowly Being Crushed By Perpetual MDMA Comedown

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A first year uni student who spends half of each week weaving her way out of a 'come down' has slowly started to talk less about saving the world, and more about self-degrading feminist comedians. As described by the American Medical Association comedown or crashing is the deterioration in mood that happens as a psychoactive drug, typically a stimulant, is either decreasing or is cleared from the blood and thus...

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