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Does Mowing Down A Perfectly Aligned Puddle Make You A Bad Person?

LEROY PERCIVAL | Central-Coast Queensland Folk-Rock Editor | CONTACT A local do-gooder has today faced one of her toughest moral dilemmas whilst driving to the shops this morning. As Theresa McKillop, Mother of 3 and grandmother of 2, drove down Betoota’s Main St following a solid downpour, she quickly calculated that she would be driving past a big juicy puddle at exactly the time a middled-aged couple would walk by...

Silly Season’s Latest Casualty Revealed To Be This City Worker’s Belt

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact In November, Artie Pert was a svelt 81 kilograms ringing wet. Now, the 26-year-old is getting called 'big fella' by strangers. "I'm not that big," he said to our reporter out the front of Blowes Menswear North Betoota. "These straight leg boot cut Levis are basically Ksubis now. Any tighter and my feet will turn blue." But his...

Spice Girls Reunion Reignites Childhood Rivalries Over Who Gets To Be Sporty Spice

TRACEY BENDINGER | Pop Culture & Property | CONTACT The news of a Spice Girls reunion sent waves through the millions of now adult fans scattered across the globe. And while the greater public hotly anticipated getting the girl group back together, for any true fan, it just reignited a fierce competition and rivalry that was thought to be long buried. Stacey Gunning...

Australian Pacific Islander Community Responsible For 90% Of All Crying Laugh Emojis

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A recent report by Nielsen surveys regarding the social media behaviour of Australians has found that 90% of all crying laugh emojis posted from IP addresses located within this country have come Polynesian-Australian account holders. "What we have found, purely through analytics is that Samoan, Tongan, Cook Islander and Fijian Australians tend to have social media presence quite similar...

Top 5 Disgusting Welfare Burdens To Distract You From How Little Tax News Corp Paid This Year

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Just in case you weren’t aware, our society is at a moral crossroads. The fabric of our beloved Australia is beginning to be picked apart, bit by bit, by various groups from within it. Thankfully though, we have the media behemoth News Corp Australia, willing to stand in the face of such issues and fight for...

Tropical Goth Praised For Commitment To Trench Coat On Townsville Esplanade

LEROY PERCIVAL | Investigative | CONTACT A 'tropical' Goth from Far North Queensland has been praised today for his dedication to the dark, heavy clothing associated with his subculture, despite the very visible health affects it is causing him. The Cairns original and devoted fan of Nine Inch Nails and Joy Division has today been left cooked to a crisp, after spontaneously combusting during his...

Panics Sets In As Cashier Finishes Up Swiping Groceries With Mum Nowhere In Sight

KENT REGINALD | Culture | CONTACT An overimaginative local 8 year old is freaking the fuck out at Betoota Woolies tonight, after realising that the grocery store cashier is almost done swiping all of the items and his mum still hasn't come back from 'running back to pick up a few things she forgot'. Tyler Weston, 8, had been asked to wait in line at the cashier...

Single Bloke Trying To Stay Off The Piss Hits Up Driving Range For 4th Time This Week

EDITH McCUTCHEON | Local News | Contact In a similar vein to the ‘New year, New me’ kind of thing, Albert Jensen has tried to change his life recently. Waking on Sunday morning with a splitting headache, an empty wallet, and clammy sweats after making a fool of himself the previous night, the Betoota Heights-based plumber decided it was time to...

Labor Hires Bernard Tomic To Count The Millions Wasted On NBN

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Following the newly released 'Cabinet Files' -  based on an astonishing collection of files found in an abandoned filing cabinet in a second-hand shop in Canberra, the Labor party has been quick to steer any criticism from the young blokes that got killed filling roofs with insulation a few years back. This means the National Broadband Network (NBN) is back in...

Local Restaurant Now Successful Enough To Have To Worry About Rich People Allergies

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact A modern fusion restaurant in Betoota's bustling inner-city suburb of Greviequa has today proudly declared that they are now so popular that they have to worry about made up allergies that rich people diagnose themselves with to feel alive. Having only opening in November last year, Australasia, has already been featured on a viral Facebook video that shows one of...

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