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CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A Corruption and Crime Commission (CCC) report has found that elected state government officials from the Katter Australian Party may have engaged in serious misconduct during a Friday arvo knock off at controversial nightclub/bar in Townsville's main street. The CCC investigated allegations that last Friday, Robbie Katter used his position as KAP's Queensland State leader to persuade a bartender...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet |CONTACT A charismatic local accountant has today been left scratching his head today. The cuff link enthusiast did so after turning up to his Old City District Office in Lycra for the 5th time this week, and yet again failing to get even a passing comment out of anyone. Obnoxiously clicking around in his custom-fitted bike shoes, squeezing water out...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT As was expected, the MyGov website has crashed as Australians urgently try to file their tax returns on the first day of the government's tax bonus payouts. The portal, which millions of Australians use for Centrelink and tax purpose, returned an error message that was reminiscent of both the 2016 Census and the Optus coverage of the soccer world...

Local woman Anita Goodman (31) has always described herself as unlucky in love. That was until her friends set her up on blind date with local police officer Constable Reid Wodsapp last night. Anita says she has no idea that she had actually met Reid at a barbecue three years, and he says he's had an eye for her ever since. Throughout...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Local landscaper Dennis Falchi (65) has an important message to share with his employees who are forced to listen to his opinions. After brickie James Bryce (26) announced his engagement during Monday smoko, Falchi began speaking about the hilarious prison of heterosexual marriage based on his own experiences of entering into a legally binding contract with a woman whose...

MATILDA MARTIN | Local News | CONTACT At first glance, Selene Henson, 29, seems like your average person today she’s being recognised as a modern day saint. The Melbourne-based woman is now being recognized for her selflessness, after multiple substantiated reports of Selene lingering near the hand dryer in public toilets and office restrooms in order to provide noise cover for on-the-job poopers and public potty-users. There seems...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Pastors representing a range of different Australian churches have today revealed that the collection plates have been going a bit light since last Monday. This comes as the benefactors of the most oppressed and marginalised majority in Australia redirect their goodwill towards a multi-millionaire former Wallabies player who breached his contract by posting homophobic memes on Instagram. Folau, who owns...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Sydney residents are rejoicing today, after the NSW Premier announced the end of the megacity's comical traffic congestion issues. As of next month, Light Rail vehicles will start making their way into the CBD for day testing in August, with night testing all the way to Circular Quay also shceduled Gladys Berejiklian says it'll be a sight Sydneysiders haven't seen...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Channel 7 has defended its decision to stick with reruns of the prominent 1970s war comedy-drama TV show M*A*S*H rather than show the start of world number one Ash Barty's Wimbledon opener. As has been the case for the last 40 years, the program has been heavily rotated across every commercial TV network for some reason, and last night...

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Ned Piston (29) has debuted a shocking new hairstyle today that has caused a number of his close friends to wonder whether he’s ok. Ned, who used to have a full head of luscious hair, had one of his friends shave it off this morning at about 2 am. The Advocate sat down with a hungover Ned to see...