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Centrelink Hold Music Hits #1 On Aria Charts

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT While there's been nothing but bad news for the majority of the country for a while now, the people responsible for the generic classical Centrelink hold music are riding an all-time high. The annoying, always kind of crackly music that berates people doing it tough while they wait a couple of hours to talk to an actual person about...

Crown Casino To Be Classified As Provider Of Essential Services

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT While the nation's pubs and clubs prepare to shut down in the midst of the COVID-19 Crisis, Crown Casino is ploughing on full steam ahead. Crown, as well as a couple of other major Casino's including the Star and the Treasury, have somehow managed to snag an exemption from the gatherings ban. Prime Minister Scott Morrison this morning...

Non-Essential Gatherings Ban Overturned As Ellie Reveals She’s Already Tried On A Formal Dress

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Drastic new measures have today been announced to contain the rapidly spreading coronavirus amongst Australians. The Prime Minister has this morning addressed the nation with an unprecedented, indefinite level-four travel ban is in place for the entire world. The travel advice for all Australians wanting to go overseas is "Do Not Travel". Modelled on Singapore's approach, the official advice is that...

Dutton Scales Roof Of Christmas Island Detention Centre In Protest Of Living Conditions

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In a rapidly developing story, Peter Dutton has just scaled the roof of the Christmas Island Detention Centre and is refusing to come down. The human rights activist from Queensland who was recently taken to Christmas Island after being diagnosed with COVID-19 reportedly climbed onto the roof a short time ago armed with a hammer. Despite holding the...

Report: Super Rugby Probably Gonna Be Ok

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The nation's rugby union's fans are breathing a sigh of relief this morning after realising they are probably gonna be okay. This follows the ban on non-essential gatherings of 500 more round the country as the COVID-19 crisis continues to bring the country and the world to its knees. The move has plenty of sports fans and sports...

Local Bloke Amazed By Huge Number Of Housewarming Invites After Purchasing Ute

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT Betoota local Tommy Hammond is having trouble keeping on top of his rapidly expanding social life these days after his recent purchase of a rusty Chrysler Town & Country ute. “I couldn’t believe it” said Tommy, as he marked yet another housewarming date on a busy-looking calendar. “You know, I had a few mates already, but suddenly everyone...

World Wondering If It’s Up To The Climate Crisis After Being Crippled By Man Eating A Bat

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The world at large* is today wondering if things are really that grim today. With the globe sinking to its knees at the hands of the dealy COVID-19 virus and plenty showing the worst of humanity in Australian shopping centres, many are now wondering if we are really that up to combatting the climate crisis. With numerous countries...

Infected Junior Lawyers Informed They Can Isolate Themselves In The Office For 12 Days

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Young lawyers at Betoota's Mauricewood and Jameson's law firm have today been informed that they should not be following the advice of medical professionals concerned about a global pandemic. Speaking at a morning address to all junior staff, one of the partners about to head off on a lunch explained that if any employees were feeling the symptoms...

Kevin Rudd Looking Extra Smug Today

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT While most of the world looks on in anxiousness at what is unfolding as a result of COVID-19, one man is feeling an overwhelming sense of contentment. Drinking an Earl Grey at some luxury chain hotel, former Prime Minister Kevin Rudd is looking extra smug today. This comes after the Coalition Government decided to copy the idea of...

Parliament Hosts ‘Roaring 20s’ Party Complete With Great Gatsby Costumes, Crippling Recession

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Scotty From Marketing has attempted to help his MPs take their minds off the economic collapse they have sent our country into through franking credits and the $1B worth of ineligible pre-election sports and infrastructure grants. After a 4-month bushfire season that only just wrapped up due to the out-of-season rainfall that is now fucking up our waterways with...

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