Breaking News

‘Better Than A Restaurant’ Says Local Bloke As He Adds A Few Extra Slices Of Canned Pineapple To Frozen Pizza

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT A local man has found himself experimenting in the kitchen, after marathoning his way through some Netflix cooking specials, it’s reported. David Templeman was feeling pretty inspired to ditch the usual canned beans on toast in favour of making something from scratch. However, his attempts at whipping together his first-ever cheesy carbonara was quickly quashed, when he...

Man Forced To Retrieve Tip After Cute Barista Doesn’t Notice Him Put It In Tip Jar

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT Disaster was narrowly averted this week when café customer Tim Froth almost threw his spare change away for nothing. Recalling the close shave, property developer Tim describes the moment his fifty cents flashed before his eyes. “It was a close call, that’s for sure. I took the coffee, and I paid for it with a tenner. When I got my...

Villainous Big Mask Lobby Begin Toasting Champagne After Mission Accomplished

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In some news from the dimly lit board rooms of Wall Street and the United Nations building, the men and women who run the 'Big Mask Lobby' are today celebrating. After months of manipulating health authorities around the world, the people behind the powerful lobby have finally gotten their man. This comes as US President Donald Trump finally...

Couple Forced To Save Own Money After Potential Wishing Well Cash Now Off The Table

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Reports of a situation are coming out of a Betoota Sounds home this morning after a bride-to-be is only just now realising the full effect social distancing rules will have on her wedding. Prior to this morning’s revelation, Bettina Calzone thought she could deal with only having 20 guest, but after realising there might only be a few people contributing to her wishing well she completely changed her...

Report Finds Best Way For Girls To Become Friends Is To Find A Mutual Enemy To Bitch About

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact A recent report carried out by Betoota University’s Behavioural Science unit has today released some ground-breaking results that might help girls make new friends, no matter what social situation they find themselves in. According to the report, it’s traditionally harder for women to make friends than it is for men. Where men have sport to talk about, women’s interests...

Dead Plant Was Dying Anyway Says Man Who Paid $6k For His 19-Year-Old Dog To Have Hip Replaced

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact In a somewhat psychopathic turn of events, residents of the affluent suburb Betoota Hills have today witnessed their neighbour basically commit murder. At 2:03pm this afternoon Gary Pilkington was seen throwing out horrifically wilted Spathiphyllum, otherwise known as a Peace Lily, it’s native to tropical regions of the Americas and south-eastern Asia but also heavily popular in Betoota as...

Local Bloke Asserts Dominance Over Lesser Males By Whipping It Out In The Middle Urinal

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT A local man has asserted his dominance in a public bathroom by deliberately choosing the middle urinal, it’s reported. Troy Chapman, a local rum pig and man of questionable ethics, has thrown all bathroom etiquette out the door by deliberately choosing the middle urinal right off the bat. As an unspoken rule, the urinal code states that if...

Sophisticated New Scam Tricks People Into Handing Over A Third Of Their Income

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT The ACCC has issued a warning about a sophisticated new scam which aims to trick members of the public into sending approximately a third of their income to a shady organisation known only as “ATO”. The scam, which targets gainfully-employed members of the public, encourages them to “register” with the organisation, which involves supplying personal details and the details of their...

Nation Really Hoping The Big Fella Hasn’t Ducked Off For School Holidays Again

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT After nearly a week of radio silence from the Prime Minister's office, there is growing fears that Scotty From Marketing may have made the most of the NSW school holidays and ducked off for a week with Jenny and the girls. Morrison, who hasn't been seen since his early by-election campaigning in Eden-Monaro, had previously mentioned he was going...

Andrews: “I’d Also Be Locking Down The Luxury High-Rises If Anyone Fucken Lived In Them”

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Victorian Premier Daniel Andrew has today had to admit to the fact that Melbourne's property market might actually be somewhat of a manipulated bubble that favours retirees and foreign investors, as he tries to explain why only poor people are being locked inside their high-rise apartments. There are 3000 residents in the public housing blocks in Flemington and North...

Social

781,079FansLike
603,780FollowersFollow
119,365FollowersFollow

Breaking News