Breaking News

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT In what some are calling a clear-cut case of domestic terrorism, Betoota Ponds local Marty Malone (34) cooked eggs in the lunch room microwave he shares with other people.  At approximately 1:30pm, Malone and his coworkers convened in their demountable lunch room for a well earned 2nd-morning tea. As his coworkers discussed podcasts and correct cooking temperatures for elk...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In some breaking news, the NRL has issued a stern statement to all of it's non-finals bound players this morning - up your game. This follows the Adelaide Crows nabbing some headlines over the last 24 hours after a couple of its players were alleged stung with some 'illicit substances.' With 8 NRL teams out of finals contention...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A vagrant from North Sydney who usually lives under an overpass near the Harbour Bridge on-ramp has been handed two life sentences with absolutely zero chance of parole after spitting on an elite private school boy earlier this week. The homeless man, who suffers from a range of mental health issues that are rooted in a lifetime of trauma...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT After spending countless years mindlessly wandering through life with a series of odd hospitality jobs, a local man Jason Swartz has finally found his true calling by becoming a personal trainer, it’s reported. Jason Swartz is rumoured to have been a former gifted child who unfortunately fell into the trap of believing he could achieve anything he...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT A Betoota Heights man has thoughtfully explained the highly complicated plot twist of Fast and The Furious today after he mistook his girlfriend’s silence for confusion, it’s reported. Will Silva had been both overjoyed and irrationally angry when his girlfriend Hannah had revealed she’d never seen Fast and the Furious. This was seen as strike two in his book, as...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT After thirty years of renovating, local papou, Conrad Gerbouris (72) is finally content with his front porch. The post-war migrant made a vow to his wife in 1986 that there would not be a blade of grass within the boundaries of their entire workers cottage by the time grandkids came along. Today he can proudly say that the job...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT NSW Premier Gladys Berejiklian has held an emergency meeting between all MPs within her government this morning, to see if there are any more useless rural dissidents who want to question her leadership in the midst of this global pandemic that she appears to be handling quite well, when compared to literally any other government in the entire...

As the Queensland and Victorian Premiers continue to trade barbs with the Prime Minister over their respective COVID-19 responses - the NSW Government has decided to go to war with itself. Gladys Berejiklian is in turmoil, after Deputy Premier and Nationals leader John Barilaro said his party would no longer support her government's legislation in Parliament. However, he said although his...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT In his first week as a Trade Advisor for the United Kingdom, Former Prime Minister Uncle Tony Abbott has today done more for regional Australia than he did in his entire career as a Federal MP. As Boris Johnson's newest recruit to a conservative British government working tirelessly to seperate itself from the European Union, Abbott has been entrusted...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT After a night a jolly storytelling, eating and drinking - a local bloke has decided to pull out a guitar. With the mood around the campfire now cheerful enough to initiate a sing-a-long, guitar-owner Brett Gooley (30) wants to get at least one solo song in first before it's no longer about him. With the pressure on for his...