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WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A bloke who didn’t grow up in the big smoke can show ya'll some real music a bit later on, it can be confirmed.  Blake Simpson (28) who currently resides in our town’s Betoota Heights, reckons all this ‘auto-tuned sound-cloud rapper shit’ doesn’t hold a candle up to a bit of good honest country music.  The city working accounting kind...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The NSW Premier has found herself doing a bit of reminiscing today After a week of explosive revelations with ICAC questioning her judgment over a secret relationship with disgraced MP Daryl Maguire, the Premier has been on the front foot to repair her public image. Gladys Berejiklian described revelations of her secret relationship with a fellow parliamentarian as “humiliating and...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT The federal government has today rolled out a new mental health program that’s set to completely flip the mental health system on its head - hiring drunk girls in bar bathrooms as emotional support workers. The health minister Lisa Roley tells our reporter that the revised program was in response to a growing need for mental health services nationwide,...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT Local besties Eliza Woodward and Jeanine Toddle are not on speaking terms as a result of some boy troubles, it’s reported. It’s alleged that Jeanine had been going on about ‘Jason’ for months and that the relationship had been pretty inconsistent and one-sided. When he wasn’t replying to her within the acceptable hour bracket or making excuses as to...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact No one knows what makes Mt Quilby so rough. Just two hours south as the crow flies from the Betoota CBD, one could easily mistake Mt Quilby as being part of a different, significantly more violent, world. Perhaps it is due to the cement works skipping town, leaving half the town out of work and sans fingernails. Maybe it’s the...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact A family BBQ in Betoota Heights has turned into a Gordon Ramsay-esque food & drink analysis after grandfather Patrick ‘Pop’ Murphy (74) accidently drank one of his grandson’s craft beers. Like most men his age, Murphy does not see the sense in the craft beer industry, choosing instead the much more sensible route of drinking the same mass-produced beer...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT Though local woman Sarah Henderson was warned that having a newborn was hard, she hadn’t expected it to be quite this difficult. You see, after a whole year of IVF, Sarah had reached a point where she was expected to feel nothing but pure joy that the treatment had worked. And though she was immeasurably happy that the thousands...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact The decrease in COVID-19 cases across Australia has led to promising discussions that could see a Trans-Tasman travel bubble open between New Zealand and certain Australian states. Looking increasingly likely with every day the Aus government does not belittle New Zealand for fun, travellers and those living with wanderlust are eager to jet set away to a culture where...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Prime Minister Scott Morrison has today experienced one of the worst forms of temporary pain - a brain freeze. The unfortunate event happened when the Head Of Marketing was trying to market himself to some Queenslanders he hopes will vote for Deb Fregleton (? copy editors can you please check this????) Trying to do his best knockabout bloke...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local dietician received one of the shocks of her life after a conversation at her aunty's house yesterday. Brydie Hand, the 24-year-old second-year graduate at Royal Betoota Base Hospital fell off her chair last night, after her cousin Bryce revealed what he puts into his body. The conversation came up after Bryce asked for a bit of...