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Hungover Bloke At Wedding Recovery Targeted By Uncle Who Reckons This’ll Fix Ya

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact Friend of the Groom and alleged ‘best man reserve’ Kyle Colliery (28) started the first day of the rest of his mate’s life feeling like he’d been eaten and shat out by a heartburn suffering, alcoholic elephant in the zoo section of a Thai prison.  Having never been to a country wedding before, Colliery was not prepared for the...

Local Family Promoted To ‘Aspirational’ Status After Installing Motion-Activated Coach Lamps

FRANKIE DeGROOT | Local News | Contact The Spenn family were the recipients of exciting news this week after opening a letter from the local council informing them that they had been upgraded to ‘aspirational’ status.  The move comes as a welcome surprise to the family, who have had previous applications rejected due to a car which had flaking clearcoat, a damaged letterbox, and a...

Wallabies Unveil New Side With Just Enough Elite Private Schoolboys To Keep Ex-Wallabies Happy

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The Wallabies have unveiled a team it hopes will make everyone happy today. With the Bledisloe Cup kicking off this weekend over in Wellington at 2pm on Sunday, a new era of Wallabies is set to be ushered in - where players are seemingly get picked on current form, rather than allegiances and performances from years ago. While...

Federal Budget Includes $20 For George Pell To Play Keno Every Week

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact The 2020 Federal Budget has caused a fair stir this week. Perhaps most controversially, it can be revealed that the 2020 Federal Budget includes a $20 per week subsidy for former Catholic Cardinal George Pell to play Keno at his local bowling club. It's believed the former Cardinal has asked for a Keno to be set up in the...

2020 Budget: School Chaplains Say They Haven’t Had This Much Attention Since Royal Commission

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Tax cuts for millions of Australians, cash payments for welfare recipients and major asset write-offs for nearly all businesses, but particularly the big ones that donate to the right political parties. That was Treasurer Josh Frydenberg’s second Federal Budget. It's nowhere near as psychopathic as Joe Hockey's 'lifters and leaners' budget of 2014, but it does still prioritise quite...

Christian Hen’s Night Kicks Up A Notch As Kimberly Gets A Spare

GREGOR REDPATH | Rugby | Contact There was a time when Peta Washbrook regretted walking into the Betoota Heights Hillsong Church - but those days are long, long gone. The 19-year-old said she didn't know what she wanted from life before she found Jesus. Now she just wants to be happy. And that happiness now knows no bounds after a fellow churchgoer dropped...

Scratchy Blanket Mysteriously Unearthed From Back Of Linen Cupboard For Overly Drunken Mate

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT Despite their better judgement, and perhaps in an attempt to reclaim what they perceived to be lost youth, Hannah Burke and Leslie Totts figured they’d ditch their usual Rosé and crackers for a Saturday night going hard at some weird Covid-safe inner-city rave. Though they should have known that it was going was going to be...

‘Well I Just Won’t Say Anything Then’ Pouts Man Who Should Actually Just Leave

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT Local man Liam Ryan-Ellis is for lack of a better word, a bit of a piece of shit. But unlike most people who would endeavour to rectify such a bad trait should they notice it in themselves, Liam has instead chosen to embrace his awful behaviour, adopting the persona of the token, cocky asshole or in his...

How Are You We Getting There?’ Says Only Friend Who Does Not Own A Car

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT Local woman Nessa Thompson insists that she never bothered getting a licence because she lives near the city anyway. For the most part, having no licence has done little to harbour her life, except for the odd few occasions a job ad listed having one as a requirement. That, and the little stab of embarrassment she feels whipping out...

“I Might Go Have A Shower Then?” Says Dad, As First Of The Dinner Party Guests Pull Into The Driveway

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT As the nation slowly starts to ease out the lockdown rules, local mum Natasha Clarke figures a dinner party is the best way to celebrate things getting back to normal again. Ever the enterprising host, Natasha has gone full slog tonight with the theme ‘Murder on the orient express’, which sees her and an assortment of middle-aged couples getting...

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