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Failing Student Hopes Last Minute Synonym Change Will Mask What Is Clearly 80% Plagiarism

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT Local student Beth Thomas swore to herself that she’d never start an assignment on the day it was due ever again. This promise was as a result of her last assignment mishap, which saw her experiencing an unprecedented amount of anxiety as she tried to smash out 1200 words on the fall of the Roman empire in just four...

NSW State Government Turns To Siberia To Find Premier Without Conflict Of Interest

FRANKIE DeGROOT | Local News | Contact In a clear case of desperate times calling for desperate measures, the NSW Government has turned to Siberia in an attempt to find a Premier without any form of conflict of interest.  Siberia, over 11,000km from the nearest NSW property developer, is home to about 33 million people and has a similar population density to Australia. With an...

Australian Women Shocked Man Who Entered Self Into Cleo Bachelor Of The Year Actually A Creep

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The rubble continues to pile up in Canberra today, after the ABC's crack investigative team at Four Corners broke the news that entitled rich boys are rather partial to rooting their subordinate females. Questions have been raised about Federal Attorney-General Christian Porter's attitude towards women, after a Four Corners investigation revealed a history of sexism and inappropriate behaviour. These allegations...

Americans That Find Joy In Calling People Triggered Snowflakes Now Triggered Snowflakes

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In some rapidly developing news from the United States of America, vast swathes of people who used to enjoy branding others snowflakes are now getting pretty upset. This comes as Trump supporters look ahead to their 6th day of protesting the results of the election that for some reason weren't manipulated last time but have now been fiddled...

Cashier Sent Into Panic As Customer Interrupts Transaction To Say They’ve Got The Exact Change

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT It’s said that if every person worked in customer experience at least once in their lives, the world would be a kinder place.  If not  to stop the abundance of Karens, but to also put an end to common misdemeanours such as shoving used napkins into half drunk glasses of beer ‘to help out’ or in Aldi cashier Jayden...

ScoMo Accidentally Puts His Melbourne Cup Money Into The Smokes Machine

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT "Fuck!" Those were the words coming out of Scott Morrison's mouth after he left a North Sydney pub this afternoon. Heading down to put a punt on the Melbourne Cup like a dinky die Aussie bloke who loves Aussie culture, the head of Marketing and Bloke Affairs accidentally fucked up. Trying to get on something one of his staffers...

Report: Mum And Dad Spending More Time On Facebook Than You Did In High School

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Nine years ago, millennial Tessa Paulo (26) was promised by her parents that Facebook would rot her brain. Turns out, Paulo’s parents weren’t wrong but not in the way they had intended.  A nationwide survey of 1,155 families has determined that the average parent spends 30% more time on Facebook than their children ever did during high school. “It’s pretty hypocritical,”...

Influencer’s Whose Audience Is 90% School Boys And Tradies Urges People Not To Vote For Trump

TRACEY BENDINGER | Local News | Contact Desperate to prove to her followers how woke she is, local personal trainer Tiffany Wales took to Instagram today share a 10-post long story of all the controversial things Donald Trump has done throughout his life. While 10% of Tiffany’s followers applauded her for reminding them to not vote for Trump  – which judging by the echo...

Sky News Uncover CCTV Footage Of Kevin Rudd Chowing Down On Some Bats In Wuhan Late Last Year

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Kevin Rudd is patient zero for coronavirus, according to the Murdoch media. Grainy CCTV footage, purported to have been recorded in November last year, shows Kevin Rudd eating wild bats in the streets of the Chinese city of Wuhan. This unconfirmed time-stamp appears to match up with when COVID-19 jumped species from the airborne mammals to humans. The uncorroborated story has...

Plasterer Somehow Sheets Entire Floor Without Hiding Any Bottles Of Piss Inside The Walls

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local plasterer has received a stirring round of applause today, after managing to pull off an incredible achievement. The subbie at one of our Old City District highrise construction sites has today finished sheeting an entire floor without hiding any bottles of piss in the walls. The 42-year-old Dave McDonald managed to pull off the stunning play...

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