Breaking News

Local Bachelor Pretty Sure There Is Unfinished Business Between Him And Year 9 GF

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Reflecting on himself during the working-from-home early mark he has given himself every Friday, local bachelor Keilan Cobb sipped a mid-strength beer on his Old City District balcony where no one but the walls of the wheat-works turned apartments could see him. To an onlooker Cobb may appear to be any self-hating rat race participant ringing in the end...

Two Poop Shy Girls Enter Hour Long Stand Off As Neither One Makes A Courtesy Flush

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT Two poop shy girls allegedly entered an hour long stand off in a public bathroom today, as neither was able to make a courtesy flush, it’s reported. Local woman Leslie Thompson tells our reporter that she’d been terrified of using a public bathroom ever since ‘the incident’, which our reporter knows involved beef vindaloo and a litre of Mountain...

Local Bloke Fights Suspicious Feeling That Alarm Hasn’t Gone Off In Case He Misses Out On Extra Sleep

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT As local bloke Samuel Johnston lies in bed and stares at the ceiling, he finds himself in a terrible conundrum. You see, he has a sneaking suspicion that his alarm should be going off any second now. Or even worse, it should have rung already. But if he concedes defeat and rolls over to check his phone, he may lose...

Valiant Owner Reckons He’s Been Using Push-To-Start For Years

FRANKIE DeGROOT | Local News | Contact As automotive manufacturers try to one-up each other with increasingly sophisticated technology, a popular addition to the dashboard of many new cars is Push-To-Start, a simple system whereby the vehicle can be started with the push of a button rather than the twist of a key. But at least one motorist doesn’t see what all the fuss is...

Friends Wonder If Their Mate Knows He And His Girlfriend Look Like Brother And Sister

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact A group of friends have had a rather concerned telepathic conversation today after they were introduced to their mate’s new girlfriend. While the group were out for their socially acceptable group training session they came across their mate, Jeff, and his new girlfriend Jess. Unable to comment aloud, the group began conversing telepathically. “Dude, does anyone else think Jeff and Jess...

True Crime Addict Scrambles To Find Something Cheerful To Watch Before Bed

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT Local woman, Eliza Thompson isn’t exactly sure why she’s so enamoured by true crime shows. Or why she seems to enjoy watching them completely alone, late at night. If she were to think deeply about it, it could be because, as a woman, she’s attempting to pick up some survival skills. Or to figure out what she might...

Local Man Who Is Financially Secure Enough To Afford A Psychologist Now Doesn’t Need One Anymore

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT Looking at him now, you’d never have known local bloke Phillip Edwards had a long history of battling the black dog. He seems like a happy go lucky type of bloke, and, considering his profession, not exactly the type of person who’d speak up about his dark thoughts over a Breaka and pie. Especially given that his industry...

Kahlua & Milk Hangover Really Has That Extra Wobble

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT It has long been acknowledged that drinking at home allows for a more experimental and less costly inebriation where societal norms are brushed aside and NRL careers are marred forever. A pitfall of binging on home-styled beverages is the squeaky wheel effect of the non-alcoholic mixing ingredients including the tickled throat of orange juice mixed with goon as well...

Tinder Creep Forced To Describe Genitalia After Phone Camera Breaks

FRANKIE DeGROOT | Local News | Contact Local Tinder creep Lindsey Simmons has been forced to resort to 19th century technology to perform his role as a habitual sender of dick pics to women who never asked for them.  Simmons’ troubles began when he accidentally left the phone on the roof of his car on Tuesday, before driving to work. Although he was able to drive...

Boomer Accurately Predicts Overly Sentimental Facebook Post Won’t Even Get One Share

FRANKIE DeGROOT | Local News | Contact Local Boomer Sue Morose has received attention for a unique skill; the ability to accurately predict the number of likes and shares her pointlessly melancholy facebook shitposts will generate. Sue’s posts, sourced from a complex network of similar attention-seekers, generally feature an object of pity; an injured child, a deformed animal, a homeless veteran, above a caption which summarises their situation...

Social

781,079FansLike
603,780FollowersFollow
119,365FollowersFollow

Breaking News