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Jenny Convinces PM To Stop Throwing Bricks From Grand Parade Overpass: “Think Of Our Girls”

CLANCY OVERELL  | Editor | CONTACT Prime Minister Scott Morrison says he is taking a stand to ensure that people are safe from being hit by bricks when driving under overpass, after a chat with his wife regarding this issue last night. It is believed that Morrison was reportedly hurling jagged bricks off the side Grand Parade overpass last night, without a care in...

Liberal Party Staffer Alleges She Was Raped By Colleague In Parliam… VACCINE NEARLY HERE!!

CLANCY OVERELL  | Editor | CONTACT Health Minister Greg Hunt has today announced that 142,000 doses of the Pfizer/BioNTech vaccine are nearly ready to go!!! After months of saying that we will be vaccinating against this virus any minute now, the Government has today reaffirmed that we will be vaccinating any minute now!!! Hunt says this new batch of vaccines, which is so small that...

Two Fa Deal At Servo Twists Tired Local Man’s Arm

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A worn out local man has succumbed to his tired brain today. Speaking to us out the front of the Betoota Ponds servo on a mild summer’s evening, Rick Harvey nods to the two softie’s in his hands. “Had to fill up, and it’s been a big day at work,” he sighed. “I’m as depleted as a three year old iPhone after a...

Surfer PE Teacher Gives Drug Talk That Only Really Condemns ‘Today’s Hydroponic Shit’

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Local PE teacher Brian Campbell suffered the public indignity of teaching a sit-down theory class and having to act as if they are the same as other teachers. As the class sat down politely and waited for the 50 minute ordeal to be over, they were somewhat interested when Mr Campbell informed his students they would be discussing drugs...

Millionaire Hot Seat Now The Last Remaining Avenue For Eddie McGuire’s Casual Racism

CLANCY OVERELL  | Editor | CONTACT The elitist Victorian sense of humour - that makes fun of both Aboriginal people and toothless bogans - has taken a hit today. This comes as Eddie McGuire has stood down as President of his beloved AFL club, Collingwood F.C, effective immediately. McGuire is held as the poster-child for the Victorian superiority complex that sees them hilarious ridicule both...

Boomer Housewives Of Sutherland Warn Craig Kelly One More Conspiracy Away From Getting Zali’d

CLANCY OVERELL  | Editor | CONTACT The most politically activated demographic of the southern end of the Sutherland Shire have decided they might have had enough of their local member, according to the grapevine. This comes the Member For Hughes, Craig Kelly MP, continues to embarrass both the Liberal Party and his relatively safe Liberal electorate with Mullumbimby-style medical skeptic conspiracies. As the most powerful...

Weeping Hedge Fund Billionaire Forced To Sell The Holiday House He’d Forgotten About

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT The scales have tragically tipped in favour of the people as Redditors make history by actually achieving something this week. Over the last few days, Subreddit r/wallstreetbets managed to drive up the share price of US retail chain GameStop making big returns at the expense of billionaire hedge fund managers. One such hedge fund manager is Orville Van Dandleton...

Scotty From Marketing Looking Forward To Mixing Politics And Sport Again This Winter

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT With January 26th now in his rearview, the head of the Federal Government's marketing department says he's keen to 'rip back in.' Speaking exclusively with The Betoota Advocate today, the Bloke-In-Chief explained that he can't wait to wheel out his favourite piece of policy once again. Sport. "Fuck, what a bloody song and dance Australia Day was this year,"...

Anthropologists Unable To Identify What Aussie Proud Boys In American Sportswear Are Proud Of

CLANCY OVERELL  | Editor | CONTACT As was confirmed yesterday in Melbourne's CBD, the Australian White Supremacy that has masked itself as working class patriotism for the last decade has once again taken the hood off. A man dressed in a top emblazoned with 'Proud Boys' was briefly detained by Victorian police on Tuesday, after he clashed with those attending the Indigenous Rights march through...

Bar Introduces 10 Seconds Of Thinking Music For Indecisive Girlfriends

FRANKIE DeGROOT | Local News | Contact Betoota’s fourth favourite watering hole, The Seventh Giggling Cosmonaut (formerly known as the Imperial Hotel) has incorporated a unique feature into the newly-renovated front bar, which is designed to speed up drink transactions.  “I couldn’t figure out why the bar line was moving so slowly” said owner Ivan Farski. “I’d have three staff behind the bar and there...

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