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EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT A local dog has today patiently waited until his owner was sound asleep to launch an investigation into every nook and cranny of the bedroom. It’s alleged the loveable lab had been somewhat of a menace that night already, having incurred a random case of the zoomies at roughly 11 pm. Now, it appears as though Oscar has decided that...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact A local chippy has reduced his jobsite to tears this afternoon, after hitting his young apprentice with a classic one liner. "Working half days now are we Hugo," yelled the 59-year-old soon to be grandfather a short time ago. He dropped the never failed sledge on Hugo after the young bloke started packing his tools up 15 minutes...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT As Australia mourns the violent murder of yet another woman at the hands of a former partner, the question has been posed about whether one of these submarines could help stop shit like this from happening in the future. The latest horrific murder is the 10th gendered killing this year, and follows 55 women being killed by domestic...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Scotty from Marketing has today brushed aside the lingering questions about those weird and confusing sexual consent videos. Speaking from Canberra this morning the PM explained that the educational videos that are of next to no educational value, were a little bit of a mistake but they're nothing to bloody bang on about. While a couple of the...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The terrified linen-clad residents of Byron Bay have today taken part in a protest against the major US streaming service Netflix, who is about to undermine the entire town's relaxed care-free lifestyle with the new TV series 'Byron Baes'. Netflix says the show is a "docu-soap" which will follow the lives of "hot Instagrammers" and the mind-numbing shit...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT Local woman Kylie Ranch had simply wanted to get a wisdom tooth checkup when she was put on the spot and asked about her future plans. It’s alleged the 26-year-old had been experiencing some pain in her back teeth and thought it might be a sign her wisdom teeth were finally coming in. Though she’d ordinarily avoid going to...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The Australian Government has today chalked up a historic achievement. They have somehow published a weirder educational video than the Stoner Sloth campaign. Nearly 5 years after the NSW Government unleashed the Stoner Sloth, their federal counterparts have finally, somehow, created something even more concerning and cringe-inducing than the famous anti-marijuana video series. The new pinnacle of strange...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact Cafe staff in French Quarter artisanal coffee roaster and cafe Bean Index have got their nominations ready for the next Australian of the year.  The three person barista team thought they had met every type of customer during their first few months of business but only met a true alpha male during this morning’s ‘coffee rush.’ ‘Coffee rush’ is the...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local dipshit has left his mates shaking their heads this afternoon, it can be confirmed. Dale Pooley has done so after turning up at his rapidly loudening table of mates with a very weird round of drinks. "Aha get around it," he says to a his friends who are looking on with confusion at what the fuck...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In some exciting news for the nation, Peter Dutton has made a big announcement regarding ANZAC Day this year. The recently appointed Defence Minister has revealed that US megastars Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion have been booked to perform at the Parliament House Anzac Day ceremony this year. The massive headline booking comes after the recent success...