Report Finds Extension Cord Either 20 Centimetres Too Short Or 20 Metres Too Long
FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT
Over 95% of the extension cords in Australia are either slightly too short or wildly oversized, according to a new report.
The report, “Too Long To Reach; the Extension Cord Paradox” examines the reasons for the mysterious phenomenon, ranging from Murphy’s Law to the price of copper. But the conclusion is clear. Extension cords are rarely the correct length.
“I...
Promising Denim Jacket Ruined By Bejewelled Butterfly Pattern On Back
EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT
A woman’s quest to get a nice jacket has today been thwarted by every single outlet, who all seem hellbent on pushing out shitty designs.
It’s alleged Georgie Porter lost her favourite denim jacket on the weekend and was looking to quickly replace it before the winter chill hit and jacket prices doubled.
Venturing to her local shopping centre, Georgie...
Report: 90% Of Business Students Recent School Leavers Whose Parents Forced Them To Go To Uni
EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT
A new survey suggests that up to 90% of business students are 17-year-olds that don’t know what they’re doing.
The study is alleged to have been spearheaded by the unusually high dropout rate of first-year business students, which is said to be even higher than medicine and psychology.
According to local South Betoota Polytechnic business school professor, Mr Ian Dickinson,...
Man Who Just Sank $300 Into Pokies Thrills Mates With Tale of Incredible $60 Feature
FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT
A night out at the Betoota RSL, or “Bowlo” as the locals call it after a nick-naming mixup, has ended in triumph for local man Dave after he managed to walk away from the ironically-named VIP Room with $60 of cold, hard cash.
“I couldn’t believe it; I was down to my last five bucks when suddenly it’s gone...
Conservationists Update Local Fish Diet To Include Carelessly Tossed Ciggies
WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact
As our natural environment changes around us, so do the plants and animals that also call this big spinning rock home.
While evolution often takes hundreds of generations to occur in nature, experts have recently revealed that our very own underwater life has begun adapting to the changing environment around them.
A new report by the Betoota Wildlife Conservation Foundation...
PM: “Good Thing I Acknowledged Tel Aviv As Capital When I Did”
LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact
As the ongoing violence in Gaza continues, Prime Minister Scott Morrison has finally weighed in.
“In some countries, these demonstrations are met with bullets,” stated the PM, perhaps not grabbing the gravity of the conflict that has killed 62 so far.
“We can all agree it was a good thing I acknowledged Tel Aviv as the capital when I...
Recently Single Woman Becomes Fully Versed With Every Personality Disorder Known To Man
EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT
When local woman Evie Williams finally cut the cord with her childhood sweetheart, she thought diving into the realm of dating would be a fun filled adventure of exciting hookups, deep conversations, and passionate acclamations of love.
Bored shitless of the security, stability and comfort offered by her previous partner, Evie says she’d been dying to feel some...
Apprentice Seemingly Under Impression Whole Lunch Crew Want To Hear His TikTok Feed
WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact
A Betoota Heights Apprentice has just been told to fucking pull his head it can be confirmed.
This comes after 18-year-old aspiring plumber Ayden Williams decided to treat the rest of the job site to some full volume TikTok videos today.
With everyone hooking into a bit of lunchtime grub and making some chit chat about the weekend...
Government In Debt From Protecting Baby Boomer’s Lungs Now Focused On Protecting Their Assets
WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact
With the pandemic slowly moving into the rearview locally, the Federal Government has turned its attention to how it can best serve the upper and upper-middle classes going forward.
After shutting down the economy for the best part of a year to prevent the boomer remover from wreaking havoc amongst our rapidly aging population, Josh Frydenberg has announced...
Shit Day At School Made Even Worse After Child Spies Crock Pot Simmering In Kitchen
EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT
Local child Sam Turbot cannot seem to catch a break.
Not only did she mess up an important part of her English assignment but her mate Sally also has the shits with her - which may or may not be completely Sam’s fault, but she’s not in the mood for self-reflection right now.
It’s alleged her morning had...
