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WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT There's finally some good news to report today, with the Government revealing that they are set to re-instate JobKeeper. This livelihood saving announcement comes after it was revealed that the nation's capital, which is Canberra, will go into lockdown tonight after a positive case was identified in the town. The positive case is set to have visited a...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The nation’s treasurer has today issued some sage advice to anyone struggling financially because of these latest spicy cough outbreaks.  Fronting the media this morning, Josh Frydenberg explained that if you are battling to make ends meet, or waiting on pandemic payments, then there’s an easy solution - the trusty Amex.  “Look, as a battler in inner-city Melbourne on a...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT While the New England hub of Tamworth is struggling through a week-long lockdown, there has been somewhat of a silver lining for one local man. Pete Pawsey says the snap stay-at-home order has given him the perfect opportunity to can a dreaded dinner with the in-laws. "Thank fuck for that," laughed the grumpy farmer who dreads leaving...

CLANCY OVERELL  | Editor | CONTACT With the 2021 Census taking place tonight, the Australian Bureau Of Statistics has warned the public that a lot of people might take offense at some of the questions surround religion. "We apologise reservedly" said a spokesperson for the ABS this afternoon. "We know that there is many more religions in Australia than the 7 options we provided" "But unfortunately...

CLANCY OVERELL  | Editor | CONTACT After over 18 months of throwing barbs at one another over who is handling this pandemic the worst, Sydney and Melbourne have tonight squashed the beef. This comes as the Northern Rivers capital of Byron Bay, a community of elite expats who were wealthy enough to flee both cities to escape lockdowns, goes into lockdown. The lockdown...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Prime Minister appeared on local FM radio this morning where he took the opportunity to remind listeners that he did not poop his pants at McDonalds. Speaking to Nova’s Flipper & The Chimp on 1024.5 Betoota FM, Scott Morrison was repeatedly asked how his relationship with his close personal friend Brian Houston was going after the Hillsong founder...

ERROL PARKER | Editor–At-Large | CONTACT The self-indulgent, sanctimonious people of our fine state’s southeast corner have somehow crushed an outbreak of the super spicy cough despite historically being branded ”dumb rednecks” by the denizens of the diseased south.  After the Pangolin’s Wrath jumped the fence down in Indooroopilly last week, concerns grew that the River City was going to see a widespread outbreak of...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT Much like the majority of suppressed thespians, local Catholic schoolboy Terrin Williams (12) has dreams of one day being a star. As part of the half-hearted local drama program and a participant in Eisteddfod, Terrin has a track record of using any opportunity to showcase his acting prowess. Whether that be class presentations, singing a higher voice than...

LOUIS BURKE  | Culture | CONTACT Betoota was treated to a boon from the heavens above last night as a mild fall of rain began right around the time everyone was getting into bed. Following a day plagued with small talk about how this winter was different to the last one, many of the town’s residents tuned in for a bit of Olympics and...

ERROL PARKER | Editor–At-Large | CONTACT NSW Premier Gladys Berejiklian has told the people of the nation’s weeping wound that they will have to live with the policy mistakes that nobody is actually responsible for as the spicy cough takes up a permanent home in Sydney. In the moments after the morning media conference, the under-siege leader said that mistakes were made but nobody...