IN-Focus

Acting PM Starts Day By Eating 500g Of Prosciutto Alone In Car Outside Wagga’s Knights Deli

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Acting Prime Minister Michael McCormack has celebrated his first day back at the nation's leader by treating himself to half a kilo of processed meat out the front of Wagga's Knights Deli on Fitzmaurice. "It's a morning ritual of mine," he told The Advocate this morning. "Whenever I'm back home in the Riverina, I...

Renewable Sector On The Verge Of Major Breakthrough After Matching Coal Industry On Bribes

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Australia is on the precipice of a clean energy renaissance after the renewable sector matched bribes and political donations from the coal industry for the first time. Political donations, subsidies and simple bribes have underpinned the Australian energy sector for close to a decade and largely dictate policy surrounding the generation of power and...

“Am I Just A Pig In A Cage On Antibiotics Or Have I Been Listening To Too Much Radiohead?” Man Asks Himself On The Bus To Work

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A young professional told this masthead that he experienced a mild existential crisis on the D45 bendy bus from the Heights into town this morning. The confused youngster spoke to our reporter in the smoking alcove beside the River Road Bus Interchange waiting room, out in the June wind. "I am a programmer for a...

Millennials Dealt A Further Blow After Science Declares They’ll Probably Live To Be 120

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Science continues to spit in the face of God this week as they announce that Millennials and generations younger will probably have to suffer the indignity of living to be 120 years old. That means people under 30 are looking at spending close to 40 years of retirement, providing science is only focusing on...

Family Lives The New Australian Dream Of Barely Being Able To Pay Mortgage On Yardless Display Home

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A local family has finally secured the opportunity to spend the next 45 years struggling to pay off a hyper-inflated asset at record low interest rates. Betoota Heights man David Rutger explained to our reporter today that after almost a decade of working almost non-stop, over-coming giant personal and professional hurdles, begging, borrowing and stealing,...

ABC’s David Anderson Dumps Bowl Of Yoghurt Over Christian Porter’s Head In Parliament House Lunchroom

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The ABC managing director has taken it upon himself this morning in the Parliament House lunchroom to dump a bowl of name-brand yoghurt on former Attorney-General Christian Porter's head. The aggressive display of dominance comes after Porter decided to spare the ABC (and the taxpayer) a humiliating defeat in the Federal Courts in his defamation...

Nation Tunes Into Merlino Press Conference To Learn Which New Way Victoria Has Shit The Bed This Time

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact When Acting Victorian Premier James Merlino speaks, the nation listens. As the defacto leader of the city-state of Melbourne, it is his responsibility to inform the rest of the country how and when Victoria has shit the bed. Recently, it's been several times a day. Speaking to the media this morning in Melbourne, Merlino had...

Barnaby Suggests Pulling Melbourne With Two D6s And An Anchor Chain To Run Some First-Cross Ewes

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Member for New England Barnaby Joyce has floated his own plan to tackle the fresh hell that's descended on Melbourne this morning. "It would be my suggestion," said the yuppie's nightmare. "That we pull Melbourne with a pair of D6s and a length of good anchor chair. Push it up into piles, maybe even rake...

Man On The Fence About Getting The Jab Decides To Get It After Scott Cam Tells Him To

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A Betoota Heights father of three has decided to get the spicy cough jab after being unsure about it for months. Dennis Pooley was on the fence, he says, because he lives on the fringe of the mighty Simpson and rarely leaves our cosmopolitan desert community - which is yet to register a since case...

Government Unable To Get Head Around The Fact That There’s Losers Who Still Live Week To Week

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Federal Government is still undecided on whether to help Victorian businesses get through this latest lockdown because they're struggling to wrap their head around the fact that there's still people who aren't having a go. Speaking to The Advocate this morning, Treasurer Josh Frydenberg said that despite all the tools and perfect conditions to...

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