IN-Focus

Teenage Townie Transitions Into Manhood With Ritualistic Smiley Burn

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Ouchies were had big time at the Gallagher residence last night in Betoota Heights as young Brett Gallagher received a traditional smiley burn on his 18th birthday - ushering in the responsibilities of manhood. In the backyard of number 34 Rockwood Road, the 18-year-old's best mate Davo called for hush around 4pm yesterday afternoon to...

Man Begs For The Sweet Release Of Death After Mistaking Intermission For The End Of Amateur Theatre Production

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact With just a minced California roll and two glasses of pinot noir sloshing around inside him, a Betoota Heights car salesman agreed to attend the theatre last night on short notice with his new flame. He says he can get you a great price on a new Landcruiser and offer you a great deal on...

Cotton Farmer’s Son ‘Livid’ After Dad Buys Him The Wrong Mercedes Benz Ute

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A popular Hebel-area farmer's son has lashed out at his father this morning after it's been revealed that he accidentally purchased the wrong model Mercedes Benz ute that he'd been asking for his birthday. Gavin Tucker, of Tucker Queensland Cotton Pty Ltd, said he instructed his father to get him a 'new' Merc ute to...

Wallabies Fan Still Dirty At Team For Winning And Ruining His Multi

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A mildly-unpopular doctor's son has lashed out at the in-form Wallabies this morning after he revealed to friends and family that he would've won 'a significant amount of money' on a weekend multi-bet if the boys in gold went down to Ireland on Saturday night. "Very annoyed still," said Curtis Mullholland III, a 28-year-old full-time-stay-at-home-son who enjoys the finer...

First-Year Knows He Shouldn’t Be Looking At The Welding – But Can’t Help Himself

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact "It feels like someone's thrown sand in my eyes," he said. And he told our reporters who knows who that person is. Himself. Working yesterday on a local residential building site, Dennis Hardy said his boss told him not to look at people welding because it's not good for your eyes. He caught him looking at the welders working more than once,...

Colourblind Man Urged To Explain What Random Object Looks Like

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact Financial advisor Campbell Hislock (34) is furious at himself for telling co-workers about his colourblindness as he has now been given the responsibility to explain what random objects look like to him on a daily basis. Since casually mentioning his visual impairment that means he sees the colour green as more of a grey, Hislock...

OPINION: Are Three-Wheeled Scooters Making Our Kids Soft?

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact "Yes," he said. "If you buy your kid a three-wheeled scooter because they can't ride a two-wheeled variety, you are setting your child up for failure." That's the opinion of a parent who is too broke to be a yuppie. Learning to ride a bike or scooter should be punctuated with skinned knees, elbows and undiagnosed mild concussions - not hugs...

Property Owners Put End To Son’s Fortnite Addiction After Learning It’s Killing The NBN

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact "Tyler!" he screamed up the stairs. "Tyler! You better not be playing that fucking game!" Tyler was playing that fucking game. In a statement made earlier this week - or last week sometime - the NBN chief, Bill Morrow, took time out of his busy schedule of shitting the bed around the nation to tell taxpayers that their NBN was being...

Frydenberg: BoM Pay Freeze ‘Not The Result Of Being Critical Of Government Climate Policy’

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Staff at the Bureau of Meteorology have suffered the same relative fate as their broadcasting cousins today after plans to freeze their pay for the next five years has become public. A growing number of employees at the nation's peak meteorological organisation are joining a strike, which is supported by a petition to give the weather-folk what...

Local Indie Surf-Pop-Rock Band Makes Waves With Lyrics That People Can Actually Understand

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact They've been playing the Simpson Desert music scene for a number of years now but for French Quarter surf-pop-rock outfit, The Gurning Goblins, success has always eluded them. Until now. Frontman Sock Davidson sat down exclusively with our least qualified and most unnecessary member of The Advocate's staff, the music reporter, to chat about the nipple...

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