The pandemic milestone we hoped we’d never see has been marked for celebration in the most minor way possible.

Figures verified by the World Health Organisation (WHO) show that there have officially been 10 million cases of COVID-19 with an estimated 5.5M of those recovered cases and over 500K deaths.

Yet as the world mourns, the holy City of Churches is marking the milestone by partying like it’s 1999, the Crows are still premiers and The Superjesus are really kicking off.

As of June 29, Adelaide nightclubs have been reopened by Premier Steven Marshall as part of stage 3 of the ‘Having-Nothing-To-Prove-To-The-Other-States-Who’s-Laughing-Now’ COVID-19 plan.

“Eight times Adelaide’s population has contracted CoronaVirus worldwide. That may not be something to celebrate but we can all agree that is a round figure we can dance away the pain too,” stated Premier Marshall in a ribbon-cutting ceremony before the reopening of Adelaide clubbing institution The Milk Hole.

“Let’s remember to be sensible, observe the one person per two square metre rule and don’t go home with a Victorian.”

Speaking exclusively with The Advocate manager of The Milk Hole, Llewellyn Tooth (59) states that after a three-month hiatus he is ready to open his club and cubicle doors to Adelaidians ready to celebrate the occasion.

“Right now, Adelaide is the nightclub capital of the world,” stated Tooth with a smile tainted brown by years of abusing Farmers Union Iced Coffee, yet strengthened by the excessive calcium. 

“Take that literally everyone.”

The reopening of South Australian nightclubs has effectively given the greenlight for Adelaide Oval to welcome up to 27,000 footy fans who will probably only risk COVID-19 if the Crows are playing a pissy team like the Suns.


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