FRANKIE DeGROOT | Local News | Contact

As Victoria struggles to cope with the recent localised explosion in COVID-19 cases, an unprecedented ban on Wet Willies has been enacted in what authorities hope will stop the virus in it’s tracks.

COVID-19 cases in Victoria hit 2,231 on July 1, with an additional 73 cases on that day alone.

Of those 73 cases, 64 have been directly or indirectly attributed to Wet Willies.

The Wet Willy, a classic prank whereby the pranker sucks his finger before unexpectedly sticking the damp digit into the prankee’s ear, has been a mainstay of the school hallway and halls of power alike. In 2004, in an impressive power move, Mark Latham gave then-PM John Howard a Wet Willy before pushing him down a flight of stairs in a scene which witnesses later described as “brutal” and “hella funny”.   

Under the new rules, anyone found to be delivering a Wet Willy would be fined $1000 for a first offence, sentenced to death for a second offence and banned for life from artisanal cafés for any further transgression.

Victorian Chief Health Officer, Professor Brett Sutton, said it was time for Victorian Wet Williers to transfer to other annoying pranks which did not involve fluid transmission until the crisis is over.

“Wedgies are still fine. There’s no fluid transmission and in most cases the Wedgier is standing behind the Wedgie-ee, which is much safer than a face-to-face interaction” explained Professor Sutton, pointing to a series of diagrams in a rare 1947 copy of ‘Doctor Hassall’s Illustrated Compendium Of Modern Bullying’.

“Nipple Cripples are ok. The arms are extended and the interaction is generally very brief which avoids close contact.  

Despite the ominous name, Chinese Burns are actually safer than Wet Willies, although should be avoided if possible due to the extended face-to-face contact. 

Similarly, the popular Stop Hitting Yourself should also be avoided where possible due to the extended physical contact. We understand there are some situations when Stop Hitting Yourself is essential, but in most cases other forms of harassment should be substituted.

Dacking is fine as the interaction is very brief with no face-to-face contact.

Likewise, although Horsey season has not yet arrived, when shorts do reappear, Horseys are a suitable form of bullying due to the quick, low-contact interaction.

Noogies are other Government-approved form of harassment, provided the more intimate headlock variant is avoided. Crow Pecks are likewise acceptable. All we are saying is think before you harass someone. Wet Willies are dangerous. Just give them a noogie or push them off an overpass or something. Or just go Stop Hitting Yourself! Stop Hitting Yourself! Stop Hitting Yourself!”

At this point the interview was concluded as the reporter suddenly found he was unable to stop hitting himself.


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