FRANKIE DeGROOT | Local News | Contact

Even as Australian states start to draw up timelines to wind back lockdown restrictions, it seems the message is still not getting through to amateur photographers, who continue to breach the restrictions in a neverending quest for pictures of autumn leaves.

“We can’t physically restrain them” said Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews, sadly.

“But we can take out the trees.”

Under the government’s radical new plan, any tree over 4m in height which displays evidence of changing colour is to be immediately neutralised with extreme prejudice.

Although development has been hampered by hold-ups caused by whinging environmental sooky-la-las, the current plan is to use US Army surplus Agent Orange.

“Agent Orange wasn’t our first choice” explained the Health Minister.

“At first we were just going to borrow the new 737 Large Air Tanker from the RFS and fill it with Mid Brunswick Green paint to dump on any red, orange or yellow trees we could find. However, it was taking too long to fill the tanks. Have you ever waited at the paint counter at Bunnings? Then you have to wait for the machine to shake the can, then they open the can to show you it’s the right colour. It takes ages. I mean, the air tanker holds 15,142 litres, which is 3,785 4 litre cans. It was a good idea, but it was a bit impractical, especially since we had to do an initial pass with primer.”

Following the setback, the all-clear has been given to use Agent Orange, a proven technology which also has the enviable record of never having killed or hurt anybody in Australia.

Social Media Influencer Khrystelle Valencia described the news as “A bit sad because I like trees. But also a bit good because it will be nice to get some shots with an orange background”.


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