Victoria has recorded its deadliest day of the pandemic with 19 new deaths overnight and 322 new cases of COVID-19. Of the deaths, 14 were linked to aged care outbreaks.

While the new deaths surpassed yesterday’s record high, the new case numbers represent a new low for the state over the past couple of weeks – Victorian health authorities remain hopeful that the peak of daily case numbers may be behind them.

However, despite the positive decline in numbers since last Wednesday’s horror 725-jump in cases, the Andrews Government must now plan strategies to insuring the virus does not leak again, once the economy begins to re-open.

Andrews says Victorians should not drop their guard despite recording less case numbers.”I think we all got to be careful not to be getting ahead of ourselves,” he said.”We have one day’s data”

On top of this, Andrews has revealed he will not be making the same mistake again when it comes to the hotel quarantine program that came up with, before it was rolled out nationally with Morrison.

As of today, all hotel quarantine security contracts in Melbourne will be given to the Unsullied.

Similar to the untrained security contractors that were first hired for the quarantine program, the Unsullied are eunuch slave soldiers.

However, unlike the guards responsible for the first outbreak, The Unsullied are trained from a young age to deliver unquestioning obedience and martial prowess.

Sold by the century or the thousand, they are used as guards all over the Free Cities. They make excellent foot soliders, do not loot, rape, pillage, and most importantly, will resist the urge to make tender love with a spunky Aspen ski bunny who seduces them at the door of her quarantined hotel room in a silky gown.

This is because they have no testicles, and are not hired via WhatsApp message the day before they are due to start work.

“I reckon I can trust these blokes to keep it in the pants” said Andrews.

“Enough about the hotels please…”

“Now, where was I..”

“Oh yeah”

“I’m thinking off banning Facebook until you fucking morons learn how to identify the difference between a medical expert and a deranged person filming conspiracist tirades from the front seat of their Isuzu utes”

“Coronavirus is not ‘a lie’ – Mr Morrison and I don’t agree on much, but we certainly don’t agree on the idea of making up a fake medical emergency and purposely ruining our nation’s economy for the fun of it”



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