LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
Productivity was at an all-time low for local unemployed man Henry Stewart (20) who at approximately 11:30 am today invited a pair of charity door knockers inside to smoke a billy with him.
With no job or other daytime commitments to fulfil, Stewart found himself with nothing to do other than decide whether he would spend his day committing a needless act of virtual violence as an ancient Greek assassin or a turn of the century highwayman.
Less than an hour after starting his busy day, Stewart was interrupted as two-door knockers from a homeless shelter arrived at his home and asked if he could spare any change to help people who were just like him but without parents to take advantage of.
Not wanting to dip into his meagre Carlton Dry and White Ox fund, Stewart said he had no coins but offered to reward the young men for their hard work by inviting them inside to smoke some cannabis he had just chopped out of a Gatorade saxophone.
“You wanna stay for a coupla cones?” asked Stewart, waving his pinky and thumb at a pair of individuals who have only ever gone as hard as vanilla Coke.
“I’ve got Brooklyn 99 on.”
Donation collector Gareth Kingston (30) stated he tentatively peered into Stewart’s home to see if he was being serious only to have many of his senses roughly assaulted.
“It was chaos in there. We wouldn’t even of had to share a bong he had that many.”
Politely declining his offer, Kingston and his associate left Stewart to spend his day inhaling drugs before pretending to be asleep when his parents got home.
“Good to meet him though. Will make it easier when we’re helping him off the street in a couple of years.”
Unconfirmed rumours currently suggest Stewart later offered the same smokable olive branch to an Australia Post courier, Dominos delivery driver and a teenager who accidentally kicked a ball into his yard, all of whom accepted.