In a similar vein to the ‘New year, New me’ kind of thing, Albert Jensen has tried to change his life recently.

Waking on Sunday morning with a splitting headache, an empty wallet, and clammy sweats after making a fool of himself the previous night, the Betoota Heights-based plumber decided it was time to jump on the wagon.

Other than gambling, Jensen told us he struggles identifying many hobbies that don’t involve tipping a few.

“I’m not gonna give it away completely. I just need a couple of weeks to clear my head and get moderately healthy again,” said the bachelor who has let himself go a bit in the offseason.

Jensen explains that without the social skills to go out and find himself a girlfriend in a normal environment where he isn’t filled to the brim with piss, he was honestly stuck as what to do with himself.

“So I thought to myself, what can I do to keep myself occupied other than knocking the top of a few or chasing some donkeys down at the pub.”

“And I had a light bulb moment, driving range! Bingo.”

“What the hell else is there to do”

However, it appears that the novelty is now starting to wear off a little bit.

As he creamed one a few hundred metres deep on his lonesome session at the range this afternoon, Jensen confirmed that he is starting to get a little bit bored of the whole thing.

“I don’t like golf really. I just enjoy fucking belting ball after ball onto the grass. And now, the group chat is lighting up because it’s the weekend.”

“I’m not far off caving, honestly. Help me stay strong” he begged one of our reporters.

“Wanna catch a movie?”


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