LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
As those of us who are still employed wrap up work for another year, the public consciousness shifts towards personal goal setting this new year ie. doing all the things you have put off since July.
In recent years, popular New Year’s Resolutions include weight loss, quitting darts and vegetarianism but recent surveying has revealed that 2022s most popular resolution is to not get sick from this virus our government has lost complete control of.
At the time of writing, daily case numbers are exploding, with everyone facing the prospect of getting sick at some point.
As concerned as many of us are about rising daily case numbers, the nation’s politicians have agreed to sweet FA about this latest outbreak apart from periodically hanging shit on Newcastle.
“We will not be bringing back lockdown,” stated Scotty from Marketing in a hilarious impersonation of a world leader.
“We need to move past the heavy hand of government and let people do whatever mad thing they want, which I’m pretty sure is the town motto of bloody Newcastle!”
With daily case numbers growing exponentially, Scotty suggested people pick a more realistic resolution for 2022 such as no longer getting your news from memes.
“Unlike real news like The Australian, [meme makers] can just make up anything they want,” stated the PM before stapling his hand over his eyes and complaining that someone had turned off the lights.