LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
Local millennial Nina Turner (27) claims to have unlocked the key to happiness and is enjoying adult life for the first time after setting her standards incredibly low.
After graduating with a Bachelor of Communications, Turner first learnt she might have her expectations set too high when she actually expected her tertiary education to land her a job.
Following a series of other disappointing realisations, Turner states her road to Damascus moment came on a rainy day when her bus was two hours late and she resigned herself to walking home once the rain stopped.
“Then low and behold, two hours after that, it was there,” stated Turner, still twitching slightly from a botched septum piercing.
“After thinking it [the bus] would never come, a four-hour wait wasn’t so bad.”
As she sat squeezed between two un-showered personal trainers, Turner reflected on how she could begin to use her lowered expectations to her advantage and begin to feel fulfilled by the bare minimum of basic human needs.
“I was looking for a place to live at the time and I decided my only criteria was that there be no hole in the ceiling and no housemates who use needles. Imagine how happy I felt when I got a place with the ceiling hole boarded up and housemates who only smoke or snort their ice!”
The revolutionary technique has worked wonders on Turner’s love life who is happily dating a chain-smoking career busker who is bald at 23 but still a much better match for her than Newman from Seinfeld if he was racist and had an STI.
“Greg is so great compared to racist Newman with chlamydia. I mean Greg has chlamydia too but at least it’s not herpes right! He’s my bald koala!”
Turner has begun practising her teachings on an Instagram profile that has grown exponentially higher than she ever expected with over 80 followers who engage with Turner’s advice on how to enjoy any meal as long as you imagine eating a plate of human faeces that you paid $60 for first.