An unemployed Northern Beaches aristocrat who fell from the graces of the highest elected official in Australia – to losing the safest Liberal seat outside of Cronulla in the space of four years, has today found purpose.

After an early political career spent running coffees for John Howard, Tony Abbott was initially groomed for the role as the successive Liberal Prime Minister after defeating a maligned Kevin Rudd. He enjoyed this role for 18 months before being publicly humiliating by his arch-nemesis Malcolm Turnbull who confidently ousted him under the grounds of his fetishisation of scrapping welfare and knighting members of the English royal family.

He then spent the rest of his political career throwing peanuts from the backbench, before losing his seat by a landslide to Independent Zali Steggalls.

However, over the weekend, it seems the damaged goods of the Turnbull government has finally found something to occupy his time with between not getting phone calls from his daughters and being picked on by the much richer blokes at the Manly surf club.His new thing: telling women what they can do with their bodies.

On the weekend, Tony Abbott has told an anti-abortion rally of thousands of Christian incels in Sydney that the NSW government’s proposed bill to decriminalise abortion is “effectively infanticide on demand”.

Mr Abbott was scathing in response to the Berejiklian Government allowing the private member’s bill to come before the parliament, saying it was not what it was elected to do.

The fundamentalist Christian pro-life movement have welcomed Abbott with open arms, with stating that staunch Catholic’s makes an ideal ambassador, given his own experiences of not having an abortion.

When Abbott was 22 he had toyed with joining the priesthood, before realising he liked having sex outside of marriage. This resulted in great distress after his girlfriend at the time fell pregnant, and claimed he was the biological father. The couple did not marry and Abbott ended their relationship. For 27 years, he believed that he was the father of the child. In 2004, the man sought out Abbott, and it was publicly revealed he was an ABC sound recordist who worked in Parliament House, Canberra. The story was reported around the world, but DNA testing later revealed that Abbott was not the man’s father, meaning he had spent his life running from a child that wasn’t his. Which is much more respectable than having a pregnancy terminated because you aren’t prepared to raise one.

Friends of Tony say they are glad Tony has picked up this new anti-Abortion cause, considering how few Liberal Party events he gets invited to.

“It’s really good for him” says former Sydney University Young Liberal Party alumni, Wyatt Privolic (62), who was once in charge of patching holes Abbott left in plaster walls after arguments with female subordinates.

“He hasn’t had a cause to occupy himself with since he was on national TV defending his great mate Cardinal Pell who was convicted and charged on two counts of raping alter boys”


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