LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
The familiar grease stain of a night well spent has been identified by Betoota resident Jeremy Kemp (35), who shared with us his tale of excess that led to the sort of behaviour only inebriation can excuse.
After an evening of mateship and ice cold glass sandwiches, Kemp and his mates were asked to vacate the Betoota Railway Hotel as game trading had ceased and the bouncer had to be up early for church the next day.
Kemp claims he already suspected that he’d had too much to drink as he walked home but knew for sure he was munted when he spied upon tyre-sized pizzas in a kebab shop hot box and thought to himself ‘I’m having that!’
“I just wolfed it down, it was like inhaling delicious air,” recounted Kemp, nursing the delicate combination of 12 schooners and half a kilo of cheese, crust and meat in his stomach.
“Think I ate half of the bag it came in as well.”
CCTV footage of the transaction, obtained by Betoota Ponds Hot Food & Kebabs, shows Kemp enter the shop front and struggle to decide over a tome-sized slice of ‘pepperoni’ or ‘meat lovers’ pizza before deciding on ‘Mexican.’
The footage then shows Kemp relieving the business owner of half of their napkins before turning on the spot, sitting down and eating the pizza while looking out on the street as the odd shift worker was starting their day.
Four minutes later, Kemp had consumed the behemoth wedge of pizza before walking home noticeably heavier than he had left, both physically and mentally.
“I had always seen those big slices of pizza and thought, I am going to get one of those one day. When I’m pissed and have had a really bad day you know? A big cheesy pick-me-up.”
Kemp states he is aware that you do not need to be having the worst recorded day in history to feel such a recession of pride that you have no shame in ordering and eating a dense slice of kebab shop pizza, even if it is what worked for him.