ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The Reserve Bank is set to turn up the dial on what’s left of middle Australia tomorrow by raising interest rates again to the highest rate seen since the Global Financial Crisis.

However, they haven’t left mortgage payers out to dry like they have over the past year. With this rate rise, the Reserve Bank has released some handy tips for people who have had their lives turned upside down because the national central bank can’t do their job properly.

“If you can’t afford your mortgage, just move home and get some other cunt to pay your mortgage,” said the RBA in an official statement.

“You can charge them a high rent because if they don’t rent from you, some other cunt will. We’ve got the newspapers whipping up this housing crisis, blaming international students or imported minimum wage workers for competing for rentals when it’s actually software engineers from Leeds or Dublin. They’re here because they can be here. They can become Australians in just a couple years, too. There are plenty of strategies to increase your rental price,”

“Have them pay your mortgage while you live with your middle-class cunt parents in their big house in the suburbs. Post up at your parents’ dinner table, drink their wine, and savor your mother’s latest Thermomix creation. Maybe even chip in with the groceries. Wash your Dad’s Lexus. Move back home with your girlfriend, move back home with your boyfriend; we at the RBA couldn’t care less,. Bring your fucking children, too. Your parents can be daycare, too. Don’t pay for that like some fuckwit,”

“We just want to see more people make the decision to move back home with their parents, as it is a feasible option. If you can’t, then stop what you’re doing, cease reading this meaningless text, and go to the bathroom. Look at yourself in the mirror and accept that you are on this earth to pay someone else’s mortgage. Repeat that to yourself.”

The RBA’s statement finished by suggesting that this measure would only be temporary.

More to come.


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