The Commonwealth Bank of Australia has today confirmed that everything is working the way it should be.

After months and months of rate rises added to an already ballooning cost of living crisis, the good people at Comm Bank have revealed that them making record profits is a crucial part of getting the economy in check.

The formerly government owned bank made the formal comments after posting a post tax profit of 5.15 billion dollars for the last 6 months.

Those eye-watering profits come as millions of Australians grapple with losing their homes, a fucked rental market, housing insecurity and rapidly escalating prices of luxury things like vegetables and meat.

However, while many might be confused about why the banks are making huge profits while everyday Australians are struggling to put food on the table, the Reserve Bank Governor Philip Lowe says this is how the economy is supposed to work.

“This is the economy balancing itself out,” said Lowe, who has consistently insisted that raising interest rates is the key to slowing inflation and ensuring we don’t go into a recession – despite inflation being initially driven by things like the war in Ukraine which we have no control over.

“Poor and middle income people need to stump up their cash because we’ve run out of ways to actually control the economy.”

“Inflation goes up. Interest rates go up. Money goes out of the ‘economy’ aka consumers hands. Money goes into banks and large corporations hands. Ownership of property gets consolidated into an even small group of people and we rinse and repeat.”

“That’s how the economy works. And it certainly works for people like me,” explained the man who has a base salary of $911,000 a year.

“If you don’t understand the economy theory behind it then I can’t really help you,” finished the man who seemingly thinks there is no other way to control the economy than by punishing poor people.

The Commonwealth Bank has also confirmed that the system works very well for them too.

“People need to tighten their budgets up and be financially smart to help us achieve even bigger profits next year,” said a spokesperson for the Commonwealth Bank.

More to come.


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