In an era that has proved that eye-gouging might be preferable to price gouging, Australia’s two biggest supermarkets are having to dive to new depths to improve their image.

About as beloved as Howard-era ‘No Hat No Play’ laws, Coles and Woolies have responded to the cost of living crisis with excessive price increases that have contributed to the cost of living crisis.

Due to this, the advertising from the two major supermarket chains, which has been false, sluggish crap at the best of times, is trying everything but providing legitimate value to improve their image and have hired the best worst people for the job.

“Coles supermarkets allow me to work my best,” stated new Coles spokesfuckwit, real estate agent Brian Able.

“Whether I’m just stopping in for a litre of Up & Go, some sugar free ice cream or simply using the staff bathrooms for a shit, I am always as satisfied as one of my customers at Coles.”

Meanwhile, Woolworths have been running a mirror campaign titled the Willies of Woolies featuring photos of the local real estate agents for people to vandalise and direct their anger towards.


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