In some breaking news out of Melbourne this morning, it has been confirmed that a dirty old rock spider will likely die in prison, despite the hard efforts of John Howard, Tony Abbott and Andrew Bolt.

This comes after Cardinal George Pell, the former 3rd highest-ranking official in the Catholic Church had his appeal quashed this morning.

The rock spider lost his appeal against his convictions over sexual offences against two choir boys in Melbourne in the 1990’s.

In March he was sentenced to six years in prison, after a jury found him guilty of five offences including sexual penetration of a child.

In a two-one ruling, justices from Victoria’s Court of Appeal turned down an appeal by cardinal Pell’s lawyers.

He will now likely spend the rest of his life with plenty of incarcerated felons whose lives fell apart after having their childhood stolen from them at the hands of powerful religious leaders like Pell.

That news has lead the non-pro-life members of the nation to breathe a sigh of relief that the former Cardinal will not be getting out of prison.

Andrew Bolt and Tony Abbott are yet to give comment on the decision, but it’s believed the former is already penning a 2,000-word piece about why the Court of Appeal got it wrong.


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