LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
Like many Australians with a respiratory system, recently redundant e-commerce specialist Garth Gould (32) of Betoota Heights is having an absolute bomb of a year.
“I lost my job due to COVID, had to move back with mum & dad and can’t really afford the therapy right now,” stated Gould as he Googled possible reasons why his ‘97 Hyundai Excel GX won’t start.
“Had to also put the dog down after he bit the neighbour’s prize racehorse. Once they get a taste for horse it’s all over.”
While many would understand if the young man (who just discovered the full extent of his emerging bald spot) felt a bit defeated right now, nothing could be further from the truth.
“I spoke to the missus and she reckons it’s because of Mars trying to correct it’s course. Thank God for that.”
Gould’s partner and horoscope fanatic Aiesha McCoombe (34) was happy to tell her boyfriend that his decline in quality of life has nothing to do with his complacency and daily pot smoking but everything to do with being born between April 20 and May 20.
“The missus reckons all Taurus are having a tough one because not only is Uranus in retro but backlogged in our sign. I mean, can you believe it?”
“No wonder my toenails keep breaking all my socks and I have to use bandanas, I thought it was my poor hygiene.”
Despite claiming she is no expert, McCoombe states she has foreseen more upcoming tragedy in what has been an exploded six pack in the freezer of a year for her boyfriend.
“Mercury was retrograde in Scorpio and in his relationship house so…oh dear…I’m going to have to dump him aren’t I?”