Luke Kelly (34) is a simple man.

He likes stubby holders with funny things on them, group chats without women and having quite a lot of tomato sauce with whatever he’s eating. 

A proud product of Betoota Heights, Kelly is just one of many residents concerned about the gentrification of his area, especially amongst the new locals who are of a different ancestral lineage to him.

But ask Kelly what his problem with his new neighbours are and it mostly comes down to the culinary introduction of bubble tea, a Taiwanese chilled tea-based beverage containing tapioca pearls that give the drink it’s name. 

“They have opened it right where the video shop used to be,” stated Kelly as he stopped by A1 Kebabs and Petrol to purchase the ingredients for his morning ritual.

“It’s not even tea, it’s like a cold drink with shit in it, like little balls of shit and they eat them mate!”

When asked to clarify who ‘they’ is, Kelly grumbled about how our reporters know who he is talking about, making a vague reference to his nan being half Lebanese before continuing to muse over who would drink a sugary beverage with a sealed lid. 

“For the life ‘a me, why?”

Kelly’s bubble tea rant continued as he pulled into the driveway of his worksite and began his morning ritual of lighting up Winfield Gold and cracking a half-litre can of V energy drink.

“What on Earth could be the appeal of drinking cold tea through a straw with little bits of tadpole spawn in the bottom as a treat?” mused Kelly as he took a sip of his energy drink while the cigarette smoke was trapped in his lungs, allowing an exhale that tasted both of V and dart.


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