News-hungry Australians who have no contact with the outside world apart from tv, radio, telephone, newspapers, the internet or looking out the window – have instead turned to taxi drivers as a 7th last resort for news.

This comes as Facebook is yet to restore Australian news content, despite reaching an agreement with the Australian Government two days ago, which was made out to look like the tech giant bowed down to our politicians, by the news companies.

“As someone who owns no electronic appliances and lives in a home with no windows it’s been practically impossible to keep up to date with the news” said cave dweller Damien Myford, 67.

“Luckily taxis are still operating so I can get my news updates every morning. I just get them to drive me around until I feel sufficiently updated.”

“Did you know that almost every single problem in Australia is caused by immigration?” 

The sentiment is shared by semi-professional recluse Sarah Drummond, who lives in a decommissioned electricity sub-station in Marrickville.

“Without the news feed I had no idea that graffiti was such an important issue” she explained from the back seat of an unlucky Camry.

“The government needs to fix the situation by bringing back National Service. Four years as soon as they’re out of school, or eight if they have a mullet”. 

Meanwhile local cabbie Ali Hercus is relishing his new role as a totally impartial news liaison for the woefully uninformed general public.

“Yeah, well it’s about time passengers started paying attention to the latest news” he said, whilst skilfully executing a barely-legal u-turn.

“They used to just put on their headphones but now they lean forwards, desperate for any news from the outside world.”

“They don’t know nothing, mate! I had a guy in the back seat last night who didn’t know that crime only started when they got rid of the cane in schools, and he was a Head Teacher of Geography. Can you believe it?” 

Our reporter agreed it did sound difficult to believe, much like an airport surcharge.

More to come.


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here